Active addiction doesn't exactly bring out the best in people. A common refrain I've heard amongst 12 Steppers, "As an addict I can violate my own standards faster than I can lower them." I've also heard that dabbling in your drug of choice is like dancing with a gorilla. Eventually the gorilla will take over and you'll have no say in the matter. That can be a scary prospect.
One of the chief ways my addict behavior would show is that I became a blue ribbon quitter. I took apathy and stretched it until it fit into the textbook definition of sloth. Just like commercial weight loss programs, I would frequently just bail when things got too difficult or required what I determined to be an unrealistic amount of effort. And trust me when I say, what constituted an unrealistic amount of effort was a low bar. It wasn't pretty.
I've often heard the saying, "Don't quit before the miracle happens". Depending on my spiritual fitness when hearing that encouraging affirmation, I'd either hope or want to wring their neck. However, as I slide into 90 days of abstinence 3/23/23, I believe that slogan with every cell of my body. Because I was absolutely 250% HOPELESS 12/19/22. I was on the tail end of a relapse that made my world incredibly small and petty. I was bingeing on an average of $74/day of Taco Bell that I couldn't even get into the car to go pick up. I had to have it delivered to my home so that I could eat it in my bedroom, in the dark, alone. The breadth of my life could have fit on the head of a pin.
But by the grace of a Higher Power I occasionally feel like I don't deserve, the moment came when I was finally ready to concede defeat. The literal moment I did that, the obsession was lifted from me body and soul. The neutrality I felt around former binge foods was surreal to say the least. That experience convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt to dive head first into building a relationship with an entity that I could neither see, nor feel. Because I was in hell. The only reason I didn't take my life was because I was a coward. And that's not attention seeking bravado. That's the Mike's honest truth. And in that moment of surrender, I was free.
And what does a free woman do you might ask. Well, one of the first things she does is begin to become acutely aware of old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve her. And so I became very aware that I had an overwhelming tendency to not finish the things I started. It was just another arrow in Guido's quiver that he could use to render me useless with self-loathing. And the longer I was stuck in the quicksand of relapse, the more useless I became. Because if you don't value yourself, integrity is an easy thing to sacrifice. And so I could just hate myself more because I was a quitter. It just made Guido's access to my heart and soul more immediate. And he did a lot of damage, let me tell you.
As I now have my 87th consecutive day of entire abstinence, I am even more amazed at Mike's power than I was on day 5. I am exceedingly grateful for days that are very emotionally tumultuous but do not have the added shame of a binge heaped on top of them. Because GURL! Let me tell you I have had some days where I feel like my fair Irish skin is being loofahed by a very angry porcupine. And I can smile because I realize even that's a Miracle! Because in order from to feel like I've been exfoliated by a rodent with an anger management issue, I have to NOT be killing myself with food. Cuz if Guido and his mariachi band of Taco wielding murderers could have their way, I would have been dead long ago. So feeling physical/emotional/spiritual even feels like an accomplishment. Because it is. But let me be clear, it's Mike's accomplishment way more than it is mine. I can barely keep a houseplant alive, let alone a suffering addict. I had been playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun for way too long. As this disease is progressive in nature, always getting worse never better, I knew I was playing on borrowed time. I'd eventually shoot myself.
But I was finally able to admit to Mike that w/out Him I am completely, utterly, irrevocably screwed. And Mike believed me 100% because it was the truth. And once he saw defeat in my eyes, that was all he needed to sweep in and pick up the heaviest burden I have ever carried in my life. He makes it look effortless. And I will do whatever it takes to keep the freedom that Mike so graciously gives me one day at a time. Part of what I do to stay in the middle of the herd is to do service at the meeting level. I am a zoom host for a meeting that can be personally challenging to me at times. And there are times when I'd rather be doing anything other than having to show up and do the service position I had committed to. Yeah, I'm mature like that.
But I have finally learned my lesson. I can't think my way into right acting. And truthfully, no one should believe anything that comes out of my mouth if I am in relapse. To say that I have minimal to non-existent street credibility is 100% the truth. My integrity is solely based on my ability to keep a commitment I make to another human being.
Because the self-talk I employ when I am about to break my word should be registered as a Crime against Humanity by the UNHCR. It is Guido at his lethal best. The accuracy with which he succeeds is incredible. If I continue to behave in a way that whittles away at my self respect, Guido and his henchman have already won. And the only price he claims is the satisfaction of knowing that his intended targets were as likely to cave as to fight. Those are the odd and they're always in his favor.
So that's why I am so intent on being a woman who walks her talk. Because self-respect is Guido's kryptonite. It's the one thing that lets him know that his presence is no longer welcome and if he could just kindly fuck off that would be lovely. And because I know the pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization that is Guido's esprit de corps, I will do whatever it takes to shut that chump down. The down side is that his favorite pastime is ding pushups with brass knuckles in a torrential downpour. He's honing and crafting his skills so that when I give him that split second moment of dropping my guard, he will be able to capitalize on it. He has an excellent track record.
But I have the one thing he doesn't, Mike. Mike loves me, cares about me and for me He laughs with me and occasionally at me. He is compassionate, understanding, forgiving and patient. Hell, he waited 20 years for me to finally give up the fight. He's the ultimate corner man in this fight for my life. He's always there to hold up my flagging spirits, to make sure I'm taking care of His precious daughter and showing me that His love is already received. It's not dependent on any effort on my part. It is just because I am. And knowing that there is someone out there who believes in me like that makes anything possible. for 87 days I have had no sugar, no flour and no delivered food. A miracle anyway you slice it. And so to keep this precious gift I will finish every job I start. From teeth brushing, to promises to friends, to meeting service positions, I will do what I have told others I would do. Quietly. Humbly. And with a heart of service.
Because that's how I can take down Guido. By finishing what I start.
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