So just the other day, okay it was actually yesterday, I was sitting in my therapist's office. I go to this place because I find that I'm able to unwind the "tangled Christmas Lights" that are my thoughts with some sense of grace and with my essential sense of humor in tact. Yesterday was one of those days I was taking myself WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. Do you ever have one of those days? Trying to be not only the director but also the lead actress in the drama of your life. I see my mental guru at 2:30 once a week and trust me when I say that I was fairly exhausted and annoyed with myself. I was overly emotional and also choosing to focus WAY more on everything that wasn't going well, what I was doing wrong, and how crappy I thought I was. I'm such a hot date, right? I went into my weekly session convinced that I was a bad person, and just was hating myself at 2:30pm.
As we began to untangle my string of lights, I was being gently reminded that I wasn't exactly in the same place that I was just a year ago. October the 3rd is a significant date for me because on this date one year ago, I began the liquid diet program of the medical weight loss program that I continue to participate in today. As we talked, I began to reluctantly unfold from my origami sculpture of negativity and was asked to reflect on things that were different from this time last year. Was I happier? YES. Was I healthier? YES. Was I doing more in my day to day life? YES. Was I 100lbs lighter? YES. You would think after considering the evidence I would immediately snap out of my snark-fest and just be happier. But I am a tough nut to crack, and I kept trying to convince my therapist that I DESERVED the pity party that I was throwing in my own honor. He then made some comment about not being taken captive by the Mini-Huni's. I erupted into giggles that I couldn't avoid despite my desperate attempts to take myself seriously. Mini-Huni's? I'd never heard of them. My therapist explained that Mini-Huni's are Hawaiian leprechauns. Leprechaun's you say? I'm 75% Irish, so say no more, I get the vision of a leprechaun. My therapist explained that my thoughts were like a hoard of mischievous Mini-Huni's who were trying to reek havoc in the more well intentioned parts of my life. They were running around, giggling, throwing shame and negativity around like confetti, trying to get me distracted from the true work I was trying to accomplish. Confetti is an annoyance, but not a game stopper. It's not a game stopper IF I DON'T LET IT BE ONE. I understood intellectually what he was driving at but it had not seeped into my heart. I left feeling a little bit better but not wholly convinced that I should not be paying more attention to the Mini-Huni's than I already was.
So today I woke up had to go to a doctor's appointment, and when I got home I got online and read one of my favorite blogs: www.wantadumpsterbaby.com. Today she was celebrating 11 years sobriety from alcohol. Her positivity is infectious and she shared a gratitude list that she uses as her base of gratitude every day. She reminded me of a super important idea, that gratitude just like picking up foods, or even engaging in battle with the Mini-Huni's IS A CHOICE. You ever have that experience where you hear something for possibly the 100th time and NOTHING happens and then all of a sudden CLICK! You get it". Well in reading her great post about what being 11 years sober looks like, I got that gratitude, just like even the first compulsive bite, IS A CHOICE. While I may very well be powerless after the first compulsive bite, I can chose if and when I take the first compulsive bite. I can also chose if and how long I let the Mini-Huni's run the show. Gratitude is not just something that I get delivered to magically as if deposited on a magic island. I can chose to see that I've come as far as I have. I can chose to see that I GET to be in recovery today, not that I HAVE to. I'm not entirely sure why it made sense today, or why I put it into practice today, but I got it. I'm super glad. Because it makes life for not only myself but those around me a whole lot more enjoyable.
So for today, the Mini-Huni's are in their proper place. Tomorrow, who knows? But I do know that I can wake up tomorrow as I prepare to go to the DMV to renew my driver's license and CHOSE to be glad that the weather's cooler, that I have great friends, that I have family that loves me even if they occasionally get frustrated by me. I can chose to be calm and patient in the DMV office, and if I can just get that far, I bet the Mini-Huni's will go find someone else to harass for the day.
One can only hope. I've seen enough of them in the past couple of weeks.
Thanks for reading.
