I think it’s safe to say, that by ANY OBJECTIVE STANDARD… the period from 3/16/23-5/4/23 sucked for me… and it sucked hard…. Like Dyson vacuum sucking up a bowling ball informercial hard. Because my OA sponsor told me to NEVER GET COCKY IN MY RECOVERY… Cuz while Mike and I are basking in his ethereal glow… Guido is right behind me… doing push-ups, wearing brass knuckles.. in the rain. And boy oh boy was she right.
I ask Mike for help with my “tiny” food addiction, and his only response was, “I’ve been waiting for you to ask for help! Cuz I’m a gentleman and never barge into a lady’s life unless invited.”
And the moment I invited him in to be part of the solution, He has delivered 100%, a life COMPLETELY BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS! Hands down! Not for any other reason than I asked for help when I genuinely knew my slowly shrinking ass was kicked. And I’m not ashamed today to admit my foe was Taco Bell. This crafty Mo Fo.. knew just how to sweet talk me into giving up EVERY SHRED OF DIGNITY I POSSESSED. I naively thought at the time, that it was the “easier softer way”. That’s another lie Guido told me. That staying safe is better than taking the big LEAP OF FAITH.
But because Mike helped me out with “The TacoBell problem” as I sweetly now call it, I knew he was up to any challenge I threw at him. And he has absolutely performed beyond my wildest dreams. I have a life I truly LOVE. I can match calamity with serenity. And have I had to since 3/16/23 when Guido started his campaign to get me off my game.
It all started when I temporarily lost my best friend of 34 years because I believed a lie someone told me about something she’d allegedly said about me. I closed myself off to her because the lie said that she didn’t believe recovery was good for me. And Mike and I were so tight, I’d walk away from ANYONE, including my BFF, sticker-sister, ride or die if I believed they were a threat to the miracle I’d been given. I’m embarrassed I believed her. But it was an honest mistake born out of my burgeoning self-respect courtesy of Mike. I can’t go back.. only forward. We’re back to our old hilarity and everything is gonna be aight.
The 4/2/23 I got the car of my literal dreams dropped in my lap. It cost me $0 to get it off the lot day I got it. A miracle by any definition, any way you slice it. And rather than celebrate the miracle with me as I hoped, my brother, 18mos older than me, and desperately unhappy, chose to try and pop my balloon of joy. He could not stand to see me shine, so he tried to knock me down. But just like the Ali Frazier fight…”DOWN GOES FRAZIER!” But with Mike in my corner, I quickly rose, battered but unbroken, to live to kick ass another day.
Then we get to 4/20/23. When she who shall not be named, made the most selfish choice possible. She attempted to take her own life. She suffered a massive heart attack due to an intentional overdose of medication. And I found the body. In all of my life, I will get past that, but I will never get over that. Am experience like that changes you forever. And I have been so changed.
So I gave her notice while she was in the hospital… that while I wasn’t angry, she could not stay here. She and her tightly wound, mistreated, sweet Australian shepherd, had to leave my house. She had 30 days, from 4/20 to get her stuff and leave. That is what the law requires. That is what I gave her. I will work thru my resentment that she, as a temporary interloper in my house had more rights than I did. I know with Mike’s help I’ll get there.
But don’t think I didn’t want justice. I wanted her out asap with the fire of a 1000 burning suns. I seriously considered attempting to get a TRO. But that would require $435 of my money, and effort I didn’t feel she deserved. I decided to get the hell out of Dodge. As a Hilton fan, I chose the Hilton Grand Resort South Lake Tahoe. A mistake that literally almost cost me my life.
Because on 5/2/23, as I prepared to welcome the man I TRULY HOPE TO MARRY ONE DAY… up to the resort for our first in person date, I was treated with such cruelty, it literally broke my soul… but only temporarily. Cuz Mike loves me so much, I don’t have to worry about the journey, cuz he’s already shown me the destination. And the view from here is “chefs 💋” perfect.
I won’t bore you with the details. But suffice to say, Itruly believe that Hilton is criminally culpable for the negligence of hiring a woman who was so cruel to me, it lead to a panic attack in Tahoe, and then two hospitalizations, one of which was a 5150 hold due to being severely homicidal. THAT IS NOT ME! I scared everyone in my tribe with the words I was using. Words like, “I wanna die!” I didn’t want to die, I just wanted all the fucking pain to stop. But the hits just kept coming.
Because on 4/30 I drove my perfect car to Sparks, I crossed off my bucket list driving a car over 100mph. I arrived safely at my brothers wonderfully welcoming church. And in a simple sanctuary, I formally gave my heart to Mike. And just like my sponsor foretold, Guido was waiting in the wings to strike. And let me tell you friends, HE CAME FOR ME HARD!
5/1/23 my tenant told me she did infact blame me for her attempt on her life because get this, I didn’t clean the bathroom? I’m sorry?!??!? WTF?!?!?!?! Who says that to someone. Apparently a malignant narcissistic sociopath. And there she was. And my heart was already so traumatized by what she already had put me thru, there was the tiniest crack in it, and those words got in… and the saga had started.
5/2/23 happened, when I was made to drag my wheelchair and suitcase for 90 minutes by myself, including 30 minutes outside in 31 degree weather while it snowed! I could t even get to a hospital that on google said it was .4 miles away. It was that bad. I called 911 with no shame. And got the help I needed. So at 440am, in the middle of at that point, the biggest panic attack if ever had, I reached out to the guy who was coming up that day.. and I say, “Adam I’m in crisis and I need you”. And he’s such a quality gentleman he left his important job without one seconds thought and drove to Tahoe to literally rescue me. He put me in his car, got me a banana and a latte and we fled Tahoe. He knew he had to get me to safety and that was anywhere but South Lake Tahoe. So off we drove.
And this gentleman held me hand.. the entire drive. And encouraged me to hang on. And when I got home and got into my bathroom, he left to go run and errand he could t not reschedule. And once alone I broke. Completely. I’m not ashamed of it. I wasn’t the cause of my breakdown. A bunch of peoples careless indifference to my feelings started this whole mishigoss. And by the time the paramedics showed up, I was screaming at the woman on the phone that that had to get there… I wanted to die! And in that moment it was 💯 true. I took my third ambulance ride since 4/21 to get to Sutter Roseville Medical Center to literally save the life i’d to recently love. Deeply. And I was able to tell the social worker that interviewed me, that I didn’t want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. And I’d to ANYTHING that was asked of me to insure that the thoughts I was having were never an option in my mind ever again. And the HERO of my dark night of the soul, showed up at that ER, and held my hand for 4 hours, so I felt safe. He told the social worker he’d stay with me, to insure I’d be safe for the night. So I got to go home. But I was going back to a home that I didn’t feel was safe, because of the supremely selfish act of my former tenant. He encouraged me to take back my home. I love this house. I’m making it my own. And it’s gonna be warm, welcoming, inviting and fun. So he put me in his white chariot (A white Genesis Electric SUV- you say Batmobile?) And he bought me sushi, the only thing that sounded remotely appealing. And we got home. He forced me to eat at least something and held me until we both passed out from exhaustion. We were both DONE!. We slept like stones for 12 soldi hours. Without moving. Our bodies both hurt. For sleeping so hard, so long, in one position. But like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of Chernobyl, we awoke the next morning. So grateful to be alive and together, and starting the journey we’re now both on.
And this PRINCE, no dare I say STUD, quietly cleaned my bedroom, started my laundry and cleaned my kitchen. I MEAN COME ON!!!! Who does that for a chick he’s known for less than 2 weeks that he swiped right on, on Tinder?!?!?!?! No sane man I know. And he’ll play it down saying he’d do it for any of his friends, and I 💯 believe that about him. He’s that good of a man. And the fact that he likes my face, and fancies my body, and likes my brain, wit and sense of humor, JUST BLOWS ME AWAY! I’ve said to him as many times as I can, “I know you said you’d do that for any of your friends, but you did it FOR ME. and for the rest of the time Mike gives me, I’ll be thanking you for that however I can. As much as I can for as long as I can.
5/4 I woke up HOMICIDALLY ANGRY at what had been done to me. But now I was saying things like should I see my former tenant, I’d choke her to death and not give it one second thought. NOT A GOOD PLACE TO BE. So I reached out for help, and the ambulance was back. But now I’m in SRMC, on a 5150 hold for my protection and the protection of others.
So once at the hospital I got to be so grateful for what it COULD BE, and where I was my self. I met a 14 year old girl whose soulwas BROKEN with schizophrenia, because her SOB step father sexually trafficked her. Trust me when I say I believe in Gods justice and know he’ll answer for his actions. But he went right to the top of “I’d kill him if I could” list. The miracle was she wanted the help she was gonna get. She’s a smart, strong, resilient young woman. And in a line from one of my favorite movies, The Guardian, as Kevin Costner character says, “I have high hopes for you!” Good luck Camille! Gods got you! You’re his child and will triumph over all that was done to you! Lean into his love and his power. If I can do it so can you!!! WE R NO DIFFERENT!
Then there were the addicts of all types who weren’t ready to put down their drug of choice. I so relate, because for the 20 years of my relapse, I WAS THEM! I knew the solution was available, but couldn’t humble myself to honestly as God for help. Once I was able to do that, the ABSOLUTE MIRACLE of my life unfolded with a speed that still overwhelms me. In December I was a bottom level addict who FINALLY conceded defeat. By April I had a home I was creating, a job that would let me be of service and financially prosperous, and the perfect car to take me there. When God asked, “How good can you stand it?” I had NO IDEA what he meant. I’m so glad I surrendered to find out.
But another huge miracle happened while I was on the 5150 hold. The beds have scales on them. And just for shits and giggles, I pressed the button. And I swear to Mike the number was so crazy I was speechless. And y’all know me. It’s a big deal if I shit up! LOL!!!!
It says 327lbs. I needed to get to 235 to be able to start replacing my joints. Suddenly, thanks to “THE TRAUMA DIET” I’m under 100lbs away from starting that process. And because of ALL the miracles Mike has delivered, I have ABSOLUTE FAITH, that I will get there. As the BB tells us, “We relax and don’t struggle”. So I started to relax. Because in 2000, when I started coming to OA, I know I had to weigh 450+lbs. so to be within 100lbs of being able to begin the journey to orthopedic wholeness… IS A GD MIRACLE ANY WAY YOU FRIGGIN SLICE IT!
So, my battle cry became, “ALL GLORY B2 HIM, WHO GOT KE THRU THE 🔥, SO I CAN SEE THE PARADISE HE THINKS I DESERVE, ON THE OTHER SIDE!”
That God thinks I’m deserving of the “PERFECT” life I have today still moves me to tears. Cuz I’m case you haven’t gotten the memo, I’m a tiny bit of a live wire right now. I have been tested by Guido and his assassins. I’m on the other side, while and complete. And I swear I will not waste one second of this gift I’ve got. Not one.
Cuz there’s a lot of laughing, smooching, consensual naked aerobics, and life to be lived. I LOVE MY LIFE. I will love it in joy and gratitude ODAAT. Cuz I almost lost it all. I was ready to apply a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That can’t be an option ever again. And it won’t. You have my word.
I started listening to Beyoncé’s Homecoming Live Album thru this whole crazy journey. She is a QUEEN. And her message to women projects her strength. One of her favorite lyrics for me is, “IMMA KEEP RUNNING. Cuz a winner don’t quit on herself.”
And because I’m Mike’s kid. I KNOW I’m a winner. Not better or worse than anyone. As my recovery bro Alex says, “We’re all just Bozos on the bus, and God is the driver.” AMEN!
So I’m gonna relax and enjoy the view on this ride. It was perfect but now includes a shotgun companion who frankly has NOT RIGHT to look as good as he does in his work uniform. He applies his exquisite mind to his job every day with humor and verve. And the fact that he makes me laugh so much, is PROOF of Mike’s goodness to me. As I said in a previous post, all I had to do was give up some tacos.
And now, life is TRULY PERFECT.
I won’t waste ONE SECOND giving power to people who don’t come from a position of ❤️.
Don’t waste the gift you’ve been given either. It can all so easily vanish.
I’ll leave you now in gratitude. I’ve gotta a beautiful life to live today.
I’m gonna get to it! Be well my tribe. I’ll see you on the path. Love
Kathy
