Returning to my home environment was a nerve wracking process for me. I'd never been out of my home town of Sacramento that long before, and I sort of felt like I was returning from a trip from outer space. Before leaving the treatment center, we had to schedule appointments with our primary care physician, a registered dietitian and a psychiatrist and/or counselor. I had not been in therapy before I'd left for treatment so I had to start treatment with a doctor brand new upon my return. I selected a psychiatrist and called and talked with a doctor over the phone who said that he would be willing to meet with me. He sent me the introductory paperwork to fill out and we scheduled a time to meet. Once I met him I decided because he could do medications as well as therapy, he would be a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Because I was returning back to work, I needed to insure I could have as few disruptions as possible.
My return to work was chaotic to say the least. I decided to return to a full day's work the day I came back I had my first major anxiety attack by noon. I'd never been someone who had to deal with anxiety in a major way before, so I was completely shocked to have an attack that left me feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my skin, as well as being unable to control my crying and fear. I left work and was able to get an early appointment to meet with my new psychiatrist who gave me some medication and suggested that I do a half day or work and then build up to full 8 hour days.
I realized upon my return that divulging the reason for my medical leave was a risk that I don't know I'd take if I had a chance to do it over again. When your mental health is the reason for taking a medical leave, having people knowing that when you come back to work left me in an incredibly vulnerable place. It's so strange the way we continue to view with mental health issues in our society today. If I had broken my arm, or had a surgery of any type, my returning to work would be proof enough that I had recovered. Upon my return I found myself being questioned about my "health" with all good intentions by my direct boss. I don't believe there was any malicious intent behind it, but I began to immediately regret telling my boss where I was during my leave once I was back on the job. It left me feeling INCREDIBLY INSECURE AND VULNERABLE. I think they were worried I was going to crack under any sort of pressure, and knowing that just made me more self-conscious. I tend to be someone who wears my heart on my sleeve and I will divulge things about myself and THEN regret having open my mouth about something. This was an acutely vivid example of this. Having a substantial panic attack the first day I returned to my job was not exactly a way to instill confidence to my employer, but I just had to suit up, show up and get back into the work.
As defined by Overeaters Anonymous, abstinence is "refraining from compulsive overeating". Even after 52 days of intense in and outpatient treatment I was not able to remain abstinent for any significant period of time. It was heartbreaking and frustrating that even though I had been through what most people would think would be a significant bottom of leaving my life and going into a hospital, I couldn't put the food down. Within approximately 6 months of returning to my home, I was basically in full blown relapse again. I was in active therapy, meeting with a registered dietitian, and going to twelve step meetings but I was still using food to alleviate any emotional turmoil that I was experiencing; whether those emotions were good or bad.
I have to say when I look back at things, I was once again placed into a position where I wanted to be "fine" for other people, as well as myself. Growing up in the family I did, where we were expected to put a smile on our faces when leaving the house, I began to feel like that was acutely necessary again. I didn't want people to think that I was the "mental case" who couldn't handle my life, even if that was indeed the case for a brief period of time. In addition to wanting people to think that things were fine, I also actually wanted things to be fine. I didn't want to be feeling bad, anxious or uncomfortable in my own skin. And that is the part of addiction that I feel is so insidious and cruel. WANTING to put an addiction down is not enough. NEEDING to put the addiction down, is not enough. LOSING things that you hold dear in your life is not enough to put the addiction down. Doing the mental gymnastics to try and figure out what will be enough for someone to put the addiction down often turns out to be a futile endeavor that wastes time and leaves the person feeling life a failure. When looking at addiction, the thing that gets a person to put down the thing that is killing them is different for everyone. And what is truly frustrating for myself as a compulsive overeater is how the majority of society continues view food as different from drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, or anything else that is traditionally viewed as an addiction. I can't tell you how many times I've heard in a Twelve Step meeting that it would be easier to be addicted to ANYTHING else, other than food. It is just like any other addiction once you get hooked, the physical allergy to food creates a mental obsession that tells you "I MUST HAVE MORE" of the very thing that is ruining your life. A frequent slogan heard in all twelve step meetings is, "One is too many and a thousand is never enough". It certainly rang true for me when it came to food. Compulsive overeating is NOT a moral issue, and for many it's not a matter of will power, strength or even choice. Like I heard someone say at a meeting. Dancing with an addiction is like dancing with a gorilla, you may start out leading, but eventually the gorilla decided when your done dancing. And unfortunately my gorilla was no where near done dancing with me yet.
