It's truly amazing how fast life can move once a decision is made. And that certainly holds true for me. As someone who has struggled with morbid obesity for 25+ years I think I can truly say that I have tried every option out there to try and get some weight off of me. Except for one....And that is to have bariatric weight loss surgery. It's been around for quite a while and I've had the experience of watching people close to me and strangers do the surgery and have varying degrees of results. Two of the women who were with me in treatment were there because they had become bulimic after weight loss surgery. It was a harrowing cautionary tale to watch. I wanted to be one of those people who could accomplish something like loosing significant amounts of weight with just my OWN PERSONAL POWER. (Pause for the rueful laugh of someone who by the definition of being in a recovery program around food GETS how ridiculous that statement is). And so while talking to my Rhumatologist who has known me since I was 16 years old, I asked him about it. He expressed his concerns and then very casually said, "But it could be the best thing you ever do for your health." And for some strange reason the door was open. The footwork began. That footwork has moved at a rather breathtaking pace for a Libra like me who could cheerfully debate and issue into oblivion.
And what I have come to realize is that it truly is ALL about your village. I have become completely amazed, overwhelmed and humbled by the people who have expressed their support for this new chapter in my journey. To my medical team who have been 100% behind me, to my friends who have said that they support me no matter what. To my family who are behind me as well. And especially my recovery friends who are helping me to become as emotionally and spiritually prepared for this next phase. Because as I have been going through the footwork, I have to remember that for me, who identifies as a Compulsive Overeater, I must always remain vigilant that I have a problem in my mind primarily, and that this is in NO WAY a fix or panacea. The honest truth is that I find I'm doing MORE of the recovery work than I was before considering this, which is a bit surprising to me.
I was on a day road trip with one of the members of my village, and I was talking about this whole experience and I said rather emphatically, "This HAS to work." And when I say work I mean get me to the weight the doctors say is required for joint replacement surgery. And after some contemplation this person to me, "That's just an awful lot of pressure you're putting on yourself. You're going to be okay no matter what happens." And I can honestly say that I didn't believe him at that point. I was full of a great deal of fear and anxiety about the situation and was just convinced I was going to find a way to mess this up. My weight has truly been the most significant place where I buy into the belief that I can't do "it".
And the truth is that "I" can't do it. Not alone. And that's the part I had been missing for quite awhile. I believe that a Power greater than me is going to restore me to sanity, and for me sanity means taking this next step. Because I am in a 12 Step spiritual program for this addiction, I believe that I have to be successful using ONLY the tools of that program. Picture me meditating under a tree while shoving Wheat Thins in my mouth...that's pretty much it. I thought that choosing this surgery was a failure in some way, or meant I didn't believe that in recovery for myself. NOTHING could be father from the truth the closer I get to the actual surgery date. What truly is the recovery for me is realizing that I'm worth doing this surgery and that I can reach out for help in whatever form it takes. That still blows my mind as I read it on the computer screen.
Because I have a lot to lose. I've got a lot of life to live. Lot's of adventures and lot's of travel and lot's of service to give to the world at large. I've got my dad who wants me to be okay before anything happens to him. And I've got my village who has just shown up in a way that maybe makes me finally believe that I'm a lovable imperfect person who deserves to have a full, crazy life. Because if there's one thing I know, it's that I want Westboro Baptist Church to picket my funeral. Hee Hee!
If you're reading this, thanks for being part of my village too.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
In Praise of Tolerance
Whew! It's been quite a while since I've been here. I will definitely say I've been sort of chipping away at my emotional and spiritual rock pile and so I've not been really called to write a new post. HOWEVER....the topic of tolerance keeps popping it's head above ground like that Whack-A-Mole game I used to play at the arcade. Over and over again it's been popping its head up. So I guess when I just can't whack-a-mole any more, I just have to write about it.
Like most well-intentioned people, I like to consider myself pretty tolerant. But I've recently learned that it's terribly easy to feel tolerant when you're surrounding yourself with like minded people. As long as there are no challenges to my way of thinking, I'm Buddha on the Mountain top. I'm Gandhi. I'm completely and 100% Zen. Get someone who challenges my beliefs or thought processes in any way, and lets just say it's not exactly a pretty picture. I'm not exactly a fan of realizing that I'm a stones throw away from becoming the very thing I judge so harshly, but you gotta bloom where you're planted. Right?
My first encounter with my issues around tolerance happened in no less than a church. As a cradle Catholic, I am firmly of the opinion that church should above all other things be a safe and welcoming place. Certainly as the church continues to come out of the priest abuse scandals, feeling safe is more important than ever. I had the opportunity to accompany a friend of mine who has a special needs child to Mass to celebrate his making his first Reconciliation. This child has Tourette's and his current tick is verbal and quite loud. Now, being in this kids life, I'm used to the experience and have been coached by his ROCK STAR mom on the best way to handle this particular tick. But I was not in any way prepared for the responses by several of the other member's of the parish. Many lingering stares, some hissing to get him to be quiet, more staring, an offer to remove the child (to make others more comfortable I'm sure), and just a general lack of understanding. It should be noted that the kiddo was wearing this great shirt that had been made especially for him that explained the situation, along with the fact that he couldn't control what he was doing and asking for understanding. This very special and wonderful child wears this shirt like armor to protect himself from the seemingly ignorant goobers that are out and about in the world. The experiencing of being in church and having this reaction made me QUITE upset. I thought to myself, "Why can't people be nicer? More understanding? More, dare I say, Tolerant?" I went home resentful and upset on behalf of not only my godson, but his mom who is a single parent and deals with this like a boss.
In talking to someone about this situation it was pointed out to me that perhaps it was unrealistic to expect me to think that imperfect people coming to a house of worship for spiritual solace would be open to this sort of challenge. I immediately became incensed. "That's not how it's supposed to be!" I railed self-righteously in my head. And my idea of what was "RIGHT" was like a brick wall in my mind. This person just sort of chipped away at my sanctimonious way of thinking I came to realize that tolerance was not just about what I thought was the correct way of being. If I was going to truly be Buddha on the mountain top, I had to show loving kindness to not just the people who I think deserve it the most. I also have to show that same loving kindness to those I think deserve it the least. How's that for choking on my own good intentions? Thank goodness we were having this discourse via Facebook messenger so I was able to make ALL SORTS of faces to the computer screen, as it slowly sank in that perhaps this person might just be right.
The second treatise on tolerance occurred when I was chatting with someone and we happened to be discussing politics. I became a Political Science major in college because I truly love politics. I once read a 950 page biography of Harry Truman...for fun. I would say I'm somewhat liberal in my thinking on many topics; the specifics of which certainly don't need to be divulged here. So I'm talking with someone who has a much more conservative view on not only social policy but economic policy as well. We're NOT agreeing on much, let me just put it that way. And again, I find myself getting all up in my self-righteousness and being "better" than the other person because I knew that my way was the true path to enlightenment. Politically speaking of course. If you want the true path to true enlightenment, other than coffee, I don't have much right now. Check back later...;-) And as we were getting into some verbal combat on a few topics, I realized how much I just wanted to say, "Screw you!" and take my toys out of the sand box, conversationally speaking. And it's become an all too common theme in society today and certainly in myself, that if the voice of opposition is speaking, the options are to either: a) cut them off, speak over them and 'win' the argument or b) just say that they're wrong and leave the battle field. And if this way of handling different opinions seems familiar, we need only to look at our desperately unproductive Congress in Washington D.C. Lack of tolerance leads to stalemates and gridlock and nobody getting anything they want.
I will freely admit that I do not have the solution when it comes to tolerance. But I think that it's completely fascinating that the moment it has become an issue for me, it starts showing up ALL OVER THE PLACE. Funny how that works. So I now am asking myself some interesting questions; Am I being tolerant of MYSELF (Ew...)? Am I being tolerant of those who think and act differently than I do? Am I teachable today? Thank goodness life is graded on a very gentle curve.
Thanks for taking the time to read......
Like most well-intentioned people, I like to consider myself pretty tolerant. But I've recently learned that it's terribly easy to feel tolerant when you're surrounding yourself with like minded people. As long as there are no challenges to my way of thinking, I'm Buddha on the Mountain top. I'm Gandhi. I'm completely and 100% Zen. Get someone who challenges my beliefs or thought processes in any way, and lets just say it's not exactly a pretty picture. I'm not exactly a fan of realizing that I'm a stones throw away from becoming the very thing I judge so harshly, but you gotta bloom where you're planted. Right?
My first encounter with my issues around tolerance happened in no less than a church. As a cradle Catholic, I am firmly of the opinion that church should above all other things be a safe and welcoming place. Certainly as the church continues to come out of the priest abuse scandals, feeling safe is more important than ever. I had the opportunity to accompany a friend of mine who has a special needs child to Mass to celebrate his making his first Reconciliation. This child has Tourette's and his current tick is verbal and quite loud. Now, being in this kids life, I'm used to the experience and have been coached by his ROCK STAR mom on the best way to handle this particular tick. But I was not in any way prepared for the responses by several of the other member's of the parish. Many lingering stares, some hissing to get him to be quiet, more staring, an offer to remove the child (to make others more comfortable I'm sure), and just a general lack of understanding. It should be noted that the kiddo was wearing this great shirt that had been made especially for him that explained the situation, along with the fact that he couldn't control what he was doing and asking for understanding. This very special and wonderful child wears this shirt like armor to protect himself from the seemingly ignorant goobers that are out and about in the world. The experiencing of being in church and having this reaction made me QUITE upset. I thought to myself, "Why can't people be nicer? More understanding? More, dare I say, Tolerant?" I went home resentful and upset on behalf of not only my godson, but his mom who is a single parent and deals with this like a boss.
In talking to someone about this situation it was pointed out to me that perhaps it was unrealistic to expect me to think that imperfect people coming to a house of worship for spiritual solace would be open to this sort of challenge. I immediately became incensed. "That's not how it's supposed to be!" I railed self-righteously in my head. And my idea of what was "RIGHT" was like a brick wall in my mind. This person just sort of chipped away at my sanctimonious way of thinking I came to realize that tolerance was not just about what I thought was the correct way of being. If I was going to truly be Buddha on the mountain top, I had to show loving kindness to not just the people who I think deserve it the most. I also have to show that same loving kindness to those I think deserve it the least. How's that for choking on my own good intentions? Thank goodness we were having this discourse via Facebook messenger so I was able to make ALL SORTS of faces to the computer screen, as it slowly sank in that perhaps this person might just be right.
The second treatise on tolerance occurred when I was chatting with someone and we happened to be discussing politics. I became a Political Science major in college because I truly love politics. I once read a 950 page biography of Harry Truman...for fun. I would say I'm somewhat liberal in my thinking on many topics; the specifics of which certainly don't need to be divulged here. So I'm talking with someone who has a much more conservative view on not only social policy but economic policy as well. We're NOT agreeing on much, let me just put it that way. And again, I find myself getting all up in my self-righteousness and being "better" than the other person because I knew that my way was the true path to enlightenment. Politically speaking of course. If you want the true path to true enlightenment, other than coffee, I don't have much right now. Check back later...;-) And as we were getting into some verbal combat on a few topics, I realized how much I just wanted to say, "Screw you!" and take my toys out of the sand box, conversationally speaking. And it's become an all too common theme in society today and certainly in myself, that if the voice of opposition is speaking, the options are to either: a) cut them off, speak over them and 'win' the argument or b) just say that they're wrong and leave the battle field. And if this way of handling different opinions seems familiar, we need only to look at our desperately unproductive Congress in Washington D.C. Lack of tolerance leads to stalemates and gridlock and nobody getting anything they want.
I will freely admit that I do not have the solution when it comes to tolerance. But I think that it's completely fascinating that the moment it has become an issue for me, it starts showing up ALL OVER THE PLACE. Funny how that works. So I now am asking myself some interesting questions; Am I being tolerant of MYSELF (Ew...)? Am I being tolerant of those who think and act differently than I do? Am I teachable today? Thank goodness life is graded on a very gentle curve.
Thanks for taking the time to read......
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