It's been awhile since I've posted on this here blog, and I think the only way to adequately explain the absence is honesty. I got attacked by apathy and some depression and am now just feeling like the fog is lifting. And all I really want to say additionally about that is I'm grateful. Extremely, massively, grateful and relieved that I no longer feel like I'm knee deep in quick sand trying to run a marathon. There are fewer things more frustrating for me at least, that knowing what you SHOULD be doing, and not being able to trigger the action within yourself. I emphasized the SHOULD because I definitely have a tendency of 'SHOULD-ing" all over myself. Getting stuck into how I think my time should be spent which tends to be based on how I want to appear to the outside world. (CODE FOR: Appearing to have my proverbial s$*t together a lot more that I actually do). And I also judge myself a great deal for how I think my life should be, rather than how it truly is. It's this simultaneous ability to hold my self to potentially unreachable standards and then also let myself off the hook for things that are attainable. A viscous cycle to be sure. If you've ever been on this ferris wheel of neuroses and frustration, HOLLA!
So I'd been riding said ferris wheel and began to retract into my turtle shell a bit. I have to admit, for someone who battles isolation at times, social media is an absolute mixed bag. It unfortunately gives the illusion of being emotionally connected with people while not actually having to put the effort forth of showing up face to face. For people with legitimate reasons for not leaving the house; caretakers of loved ones and agoraphobics and the like, it can be a very useful tool. For someone like me though, it can turn into a situation where I feel artificially connected with people because I know you went to Chicago Fire for dinner with your family last Thursday, while not having to show up face to face and be honest, vulnerable and accountable to people who genuinely have my best interests at heart. Also known as the slippery slope ending in a drop off a cliff.
Therefore, while my father and housemate is embarking on his 11 day, 3 state, social whirlwind vacation and I'm home keeping the puppies from hanging off the chandeliers, I recognized the potential for this to be either a great opportunity for me to do things differently or it could be a complete nightmare. Thankfully for right now at least I am choosing the former. Again, queue gratitude.
I may have mentioned previously that I've realized just how much I have previously allowed my weight and the corresponding consequences color the world I live in. More than just that, it's come to define the way I've learned to think about myself. And it's so ingrained in my subconscious that I forget sometimes that it is truly a choice to think of myself in the often negative light that my being overweight puts me in. I was chatting with someone on Facebook the other day and explaining this, and just sort of justifying my stuck-ness and she countered with her view of me that was so awesome I thought, "Hell I want to know THAT woman!!!". It was so interesting because for as benign a conversation as it was, it made me realize that we rarely see ourselves the way that we really are. And that can certainly happen in the context of positive AND negative parts of ourselves. And for perhaps the first time, when someone presented me with a view of myself that was complimentary, my internal "committee" didn't respond with, "Well they're just saying that because they love me", or, "thanks but here are the infinite reasons I'm not that person...". The internal thought was, "Yeah, I COULD be that Person, I WANT to be that person, and am on my way." It felt like a watershed moment.
Having one thing that has completely high jacked my self-image (my weight and it's corresponding laundry lists of reason's I'm therefore not good enough for _________[fill in the blank] is like being nearsighted. When I wake up in the morning I don't even get out of bed without putting my glasses on because I really can't see without them. It completely dominates the way I view the world. And so has this, up until now.
I say up until now, because I found myself talking to my therapist recently (well, okay it was this afternoon) and I was sort of processing this idea, and he said, "You've let your weight and the baggage the comes along with it (which for me is the joint problems that will require 3 joint replacements once I'm at a suitably healthy weight) to be the reason, excuse and cop out for not doing a lot in your life." I certainly couldn't argue with that, but have always felt more than a bit justified in saying that my joint stuff is a "LEGITIMATE" reason why I don't do some things. And as all wonderful therapists will do, he called bullshit. In retrospect it gets me thinking of the stories you hear about people who have major injuries doing things like climbing Mt. Everest, biking across Europe, or other just ridiculously amazing things while people with far fewer challenges are sitting at home bitching about having to pay taxes on their fancy sports car and vacation properties. And he said, "What if you made a decision to draw a line in the sand, or in my case, the quick sand, and from this day forward NEVER let your weight and the other stuff stop you from finding whatever it is that you want, be it a romantic relationship that you enjoy, travel, a career your passionate about, activity and a wonderfully vibrant full life.
I immediately in my head began to consider why I couldn't do that. And it's based upon my previous track record of for lack of a better word, just not thinking I was good enough to; complete goals, risk being hurt/disappointed without it crushing me, and when it comes right down to it very simply FEAR. If you don't risk, you don't fail. But then again what I'm realizing is that you never succeed either. In reflection I realize I've let fear drive my life right down apathy alley, depression drive and shitty self-esteem street. And I think I might be done. And through some of the work I've been doing in the past year I've grasped the nugget of faith that says, where fear was driving me is no longer good enough. I deserve better. (Big dramatic gulp.....Eek!) But I have to say that out loud because if I don't, it will marinate in my head and I can so easily talk myself out of a really good idea. Why I didn't let that little voice of fear and caution talk me out of that perm in the early '80's is beyond me, but that's another story. ;-)
So that leads me back to the title of this post, "Now what do I do???" And the wonderfully open, hopeful, amazing, and occasionally scary answer to that question is, whatever I want. And I'm so glad to know that as long as I have so many wonderful people in my life to travel the journey with me, I will get there. I feel like the journey is about to pick up speed and I'm excited....
I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading.
