It's been awhile since I've posted an update. I sort of felt like after doing the catch up stories of my past history of being an obese person in society I was left with the proverbial, "Now what?". But since then, things have been happening for me. Good things, and challenging things. So this will be sort of a catch all catch up post to clue you in to where I am in my journey to getting healthier and moving on with my great but potentially more fabulous life.
We'll start with the challenging things. Like many people who are trying to change long ingrained behaviors, I've had periods where the healthier behaviors are easy to practice, and times when it's much harder. I've recently had a period where it was harder. I started making choices around food that were "easier" (i.e.: poorer choices). That meant more convenience foods which inevitably led me to start eating foods that were more processed and less healthy for me and DEFINITELY detrimental towards my long term health goals. And because I'm not sure I've done it before, I am going to put my health goal out into the cyber world in specific measurable terms. In talking with my therapist he stated that a Goal is just a dream with a deadline. And to that effect, I have set the goal that I will be ready to start having joint replacement surgery by October 1, 2013. And in pure mathematical terms that means I have to lose 114lbs by October 1, 2013. I don't put that out into the universe a great deal because even saying it out loud let alone putting in writing somehow feels quite daunting. I need to have both of my knees and my left hip replaced due to an auto-immune inflammatory condition that's like Rheumatoid Arthritis. I feel like someone who has climbed up a mountain with ski's strapped to my backpack and have made it to the top (losing 100lbs so far) only to have to make the leap of faith and strap my skis on and go flying down the mountain. So while putting specific time lines and end dates onto something like this is good because it makes things more concrete, it also makes it rather REAL. I don't know about you but if you've ever had a substantial weight problem, getting to a goal like this could be come something without boarders and definitions and enables you to spend your whole life focusing on this one thing which closes off a whole myriad of other life experiences that are available. The potential downside however is that it can be a gigantic set up for feeling like a complete failure. When discussing this idea with my therapist I was careful to clarify that the point of this goal is not to get 95% of the way there and then on October 1st say, "Well I didn't make it I guess that makes me a total fuck up!" Hardly. What I endeavor for it to do is hopefully keep me focused on seeing each day as an opportunity to not at all deny myself food (how I might see it in my mind) but to move closer to this wonderful goal of getting to have a fully functioning pain free body. That would be a body I haven't known since 1994, when I was in college and my left hip was deteriorating and I was in an incredible amount of pain. I realize that I have spent a great amount of my life before this particular journey in black and white thinking. If I don't look like Jennifer Connelly I don't want to try at all. If I can't win I don't want to play sort of things. If I eat 2 oz more chicken at dinner, screw it, I'm going to eat an entire cheesecake. So by choosing this date, and making my HEALTH a priority as opposed to trying to look hot in a pair of blue jeans, I'm trying to change my thinking. I'm trying to change and realize that my food choices can be placed into two categories: Does what I'm about to eat get me a) closer to, or b) farther from, the life I want to be living for myself? Rather than making foods good or bad, this seems like a much more helpful perspective for me to have.
So a few weeks ago I found my self making choices about food from the above option "b". I was sitting in a gas station parking lot having just gone into the quick mart and purchased some food that has longer than normal shelf lives, i.e., processed junk food. And I hadn't called my sponsor in awhile which I think contributed to where I found myself. I found myself simultaneously knowing that I probably shouldn't be about to eat what I'd purchased and yet completely driven to do so. (If you've EVER struggled with addiction, you might understand that feeling). So I called my sponsor on the phone, in that parking lot, and we had a very interesting conversation. She helped me understand why eating what I'd purchased could be deadly for me in the long term. Like an alcoholic, I may very well be able to have a drink that doesn't lead to a full blown relapse, but it's playing a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, I don't know that it WON'T lead to a relapse either. But the most amazing thing she said during all her support and encouragement for me to NOT eat what I'd bought was this, "Whether you eat this food or not, I love you anyway." And for some reason THAT statement stuck in my mind and had a transformative effect. While I did ended up eating the food that I'd purchased, the desire to stay in the pattern that I had been in for about a month, was no longer there. This conversation that I had occurred on a Saturday, and Sunday morning I woke up and began a great deal of contrary actions that have enabled me to make progress towards the goal of having a life that I want.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, what I realized is that, just like it says in the Big Book of AA, you really can't think your way into right acting, you have to act your way into right thinking. And it's so true. And like a lot of things, I sometimes wish it didn't take quite as long for me to learn the lessons that I need to learn in my life. But I guess that's like wishing I wasn't a brunette, or Irish; wishing it won't make it true. And so I just tried to remained focused on being grateful for the willingness AND ability to do the footwork for the 24 hours ahead of me. For someone who needs to still lose 100lbs after having already done so, doing the whole, "One Day at a Time" thing sometimes feels like the hardest thing I've got to do in a day. I realized also that the physical weight on my body isn't the worst effect of choosing foods that don't serve me. It's the mental baggage that comes along with it. Normal eaters don't beat themselves up for days on end for making a mediocre or bad food choice. The self-hatred, apathy, self-pity and mental paralysis that comes along with me eating foods that don't agree with me, has become way more of a problem than gaining 15lbs. Those are the mind games that are so dangerous in dealing with food issues in my life. It's the head games that will get me.
So I now find myself endeavoring to live life one day at a time, as imperfectly as it inevitably happens in the real world, and enjoying my life a great deal more than I was a month ago. That does not mean it's going the way I'd prefer it to. And changing the way I'm trying to approach my day to day relationship with food, health and the process of getting qualified to surgery, I'm finding some of my long lost natural optimism. And for me "focusing on the goal" within the context of working a Twelve Step program just means asking for the help of my Higher Power for the ability to make the best possible choices in the 24 hour period I'm in today. Knowing that eating certain foods makes it harder for me to be an increasingly joyful member of the world at large.
And now for the good things. Because I'm on permanent disability due to my joint problems, I found myself with a great deal of time off during the day. It led me to spending a great deal of time awake late at night and sleeping a lot during the day and not liking myself in the process. And as I began to get more activity in my daily life I decided that I needed something to give me a sense of purpose and being of service to ANYTHING. So after some thought I decided to start volunteering at the Sacramento SPCA. This is a great organization that works for the health and welfare of the animals who are homeless and neglected in Sacramento County. They receive no government funding and do an incredible amount of work with limited resources. So for now I'm working 8 hours a week helping to get appointments set in their high volume Spay and Neuter clinic. It's made my life fuller and I'm much happier getting out and doing something. If you'd like to check out the great work that they're doing at the SPCA, check out the Sacramento chapter's website, www.sspca.org.
The other thing that I've done is to join a new group that is dedicated to helping end the obsession with food and weight. It's called Beyond Hunger. I found out about it from a wonderful friend of mine, (You know who you are <3 ) and I investigated it because she seems to have acquired a genuine comfort in her own skin, that has nothing to do with outside appearances, don't get me wrong, she's gorgeous and awesome, but she inspired me to look at how I felt about myself in relation to my body. As I've said in previous posts, one thing I'd like in my life very much is to be in a romantic relationship. And I've discounted my worthiness for that very thing purely based on my weight. And so many friends, my therapist, and others have said that my perception is for lack of a better word, CRAP. And intellectually, I know they're right. But in my heart, I truly believe that despite ALL the other things that are good and also imperfect about myself, my weight automatically makes my undesirable and unacceptable. I think I decided that the best way to prevent rejection is just to take my toys out of the dating sandbox so to speak. And my relationship with my body plays such a huge part of my living a smaller life than I want, and am slowly beginning to believe I deserve. So I joined this group and have started the process of trying to rewire my brain and replace the judgement and self hatred with honesty, self love and compassion. I've heard it said in 12 step meetings when trying to figure out a way to become a "normal" whatever; that you can't turn a Volvo into a Porsche. And that's sort of how I feel about changing my mindset regarding to loving my body WITHOUT placing conditions of weight loss on that self love. But to paraphrase a line in the Big Book, "The surest way to block off spiritual progress is contempt prior to investigation". So I'm endeavoring to have an open mind, and open heart, and allow the process to work in and thru me so that by the time I'm ready to have my joints replaced, my body size will just be another part of who I am. No more or less important than the other qualities I have.
As you've no doubt heard, it's an inside job. And for me the most significant work is occurring between my ears these days. After my first meeting of the Beyond Hunger group I felt like I'd been buffed head to toe in 40 grit sandpaper. And that was when I knew I was in the right place.
I wish for everyone a great holiday season. Filled with LOVE, LAUGHTER, HUMOR and PEACE. This will be the second season our family is having the holidays without my mom, and it's very bitter sweet. But as long as we're together, she'll be there too. I hope that whether you're with your family of origin, or family of choice, you remember what I've learned, that gratitude is the best gift to give yourself.
Thanks again for being witnesses to my journey. I'll see you in 2013!
