So it's 350am and I have one of my more atypical cases of insomnia. It's something that's been going on a bit lately. Ugh! So I'm sitting here trying to unwind and I've been listening to the same song on repeat on my iPod for quite awhile. Do you ever do that? Find a song that just hits the spot better than getting to scratch you back when it itches like crazy? That's where I find myself rather frequently. Lifted up by music. Currently it is the ROCK GOD Chris Cornell's cover of Led Zeppelin's "Thank You"...an iconic song in its own right. But when sung by a guy whose voice sort of caps up the Seattle scene and the early 90's so well...it is JUST.PLAIN.PERFECTION. And it makes me realize how great music is in just that way.
I could probably make a timeline of events in my life and attach a song to each and every major thing that's happened to me. My mother and father in their infinite wisdom had possibly the only console stereo in Sacramento with an 8 track in it. My brother still to this day denies my mother's remembrance of him hanging off of it as a toddler listening to John Denver singing "Rocky Mountain High." We had a Christmas record that was made by my mother's high school choir from a tiny town in southern Minnesota, that we haven't listened to since she passed away. I remember getting my own stereo with a record player and double tape deck, at which time my "mixed tape" phase began in what can only be described as painful earnest. Going to Tower Records to find music, getting a new record as soon as humanly possible after it was release. Singing my favorite song with a car full of friends. CD's came along and I certainly amassed an impressive collection. (I could probably finance the government of a small African country on what I've spent on music in my lifetime). I remember the album I was listening to when I took the first of many day road trips to Sonoma and Bodega Bay, truly enjoying just meandering along the gorgeous roads of Nor. Cal. And on, and on, and on.....
I'm sure like most people who are getting on in years, I question the cultural relevance of popular music. "It's just not as good as the stuff I listened to when I was younger" seems to be the war cry of the quickly aging. But let me just say this, Pearl Jam's song "Jeremy" speaks as much about bullying and gun violence NOW as it did when that video first came out. Will we be saying the same about Lady Gaga? I'm not so sure.
There are times when I want some chill acoustic music. There are times when piano stuff is nice too. There are the rather frequent times that I get into the car after my dad has driven it and find the channel set to the classical station and listen to it for awhile trying to enjoy it. If I feel particularly aggressive, angry or grumpy I will go for my "Angry White Man" music, with lots of drum, base, and yelling. There's something about that sort of music that's empowering to me; a sort of war cry to the world that the people next to me at stoplights CLEARLY don't understand...
In the entirely INSTANT world we live in these days, I have mixed emotions about the digital music age. I certainly enjoy the speed with which music is available to our ravenous consumer society. But I also find it a bit sad, that I don't come home and find my proud library of music displayed so lovingly on a bookshelf or CD rack. But then again, it's a lot easier to put an iPod or iPhone into my purse and take it along with me. For me, it's certainly true that music soothes this sometimes savage beast.
I was a music major in college for 2 years focusing on vocal performance. I truly love to sing and find myself sometimes amazed how many songs I can sing along to in the car when driving around doing my typical daily deeds. I changed majors because the technical side of music is a lot more challenging than riffing along with a Matisyahu song on the way to the grocery store. When I see someone playing piano or guitar with ease and skill...I'm truly impressed and even a bit jealous. Reading sheet music never came that easy to me. It is truly a gift that I'm always glad they shared.
The first time I ever sang in public by myself I sang the Ave Maria in front of 500 people during a wedding. Coming from a choral experience before that, I can only be glad that there was holy water nearby during my baptism by fire. It was a terrifying, great, nerve racking experience. But it was fabulous none the less. I learned a lot about facing your fears and opening your mouth and just letting it rip.
So wherever you are in your day, is there music in it? When's the last time you listened to the album that you just couldn't get enough of in high school? Here's hoping that you are singing your favorite song, loud and proud.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
"Well NOW what do I DO?????"
It's been awhile since I've posted on this here blog, and I think the only way to adequately explain the absence is honesty. I got attacked by apathy and some depression and am now just feeling like the fog is lifting. And all I really want to say additionally about that is I'm grateful. Extremely, massively, grateful and relieved that I no longer feel like I'm knee deep in quick sand trying to run a marathon. There are fewer things more frustrating for me at least, that knowing what you SHOULD be doing, and not being able to trigger the action within yourself. I emphasized the SHOULD because I definitely have a tendency of 'SHOULD-ing" all over myself. Getting stuck into how I think my time should be spent which tends to be based on how I want to appear to the outside world. (CODE FOR: Appearing to have my proverbial s$*t together a lot more that I actually do). And I also judge myself a great deal for how I think my life should be, rather than how it truly is. It's this simultaneous ability to hold my self to potentially unreachable standards and then also let myself off the hook for things that are attainable. A viscous cycle to be sure. If you've ever been on this ferris wheel of neuroses and frustration, HOLLA!
So I'd been riding said ferris wheel and began to retract into my turtle shell a bit. I have to admit, for someone who battles isolation at times, social media is an absolute mixed bag. It unfortunately gives the illusion of being emotionally connected with people while not actually having to put the effort forth of showing up face to face. For people with legitimate reasons for not leaving the house; caretakers of loved ones and agoraphobics and the like, it can be a very useful tool. For someone like me though, it can turn into a situation where I feel artificially connected with people because I know you went to Chicago Fire for dinner with your family last Thursday, while not having to show up face to face and be honest, vulnerable and accountable to people who genuinely have my best interests at heart. Also known as the slippery slope ending in a drop off a cliff.
Therefore, while my father and housemate is embarking on his 11 day, 3 state, social whirlwind vacation and I'm home keeping the puppies from hanging off the chandeliers, I recognized the potential for this to be either a great opportunity for me to do things differently or it could be a complete nightmare. Thankfully for right now at least I am choosing the former. Again, queue gratitude.
I may have mentioned previously that I've realized just how much I have previously allowed my weight and the corresponding consequences color the world I live in. More than just that, it's come to define the way I've learned to think about myself. And it's so ingrained in my subconscious that I forget sometimes that it is truly a choice to think of myself in the often negative light that my being overweight puts me in. I was chatting with someone on Facebook the other day and explaining this, and just sort of justifying my stuck-ness and she countered with her view of me that was so awesome I thought, "Hell I want to know THAT woman!!!". It was so interesting because for as benign a conversation as it was, it made me realize that we rarely see ourselves the way that we really are. And that can certainly happen in the context of positive AND negative parts of ourselves. And for perhaps the first time, when someone presented me with a view of myself that was complimentary, my internal "committee" didn't respond with, "Well they're just saying that because they love me", or, "thanks but here are the infinite reasons I'm not that person...". The internal thought was, "Yeah, I COULD be that Person, I WANT to be that person, and am on my way." It felt like a watershed moment.
Having one thing that has completely high jacked my self-image (my weight and it's corresponding laundry lists of reason's I'm therefore not good enough for _________[fill in the blank] is like being nearsighted. When I wake up in the morning I don't even get out of bed without putting my glasses on because I really can't see without them. It completely dominates the way I view the world. And so has this, up until now.
I say up until now, because I found myself talking to my therapist recently (well, okay it was this afternoon) and I was sort of processing this idea, and he said, "You've let your weight and the baggage the comes along with it (which for me is the joint problems that will require 3 joint replacements once I'm at a suitably healthy weight) to be the reason, excuse and cop out for not doing a lot in your life." I certainly couldn't argue with that, but have always felt more than a bit justified in saying that my joint stuff is a "LEGITIMATE" reason why I don't do some things. And as all wonderful therapists will do, he called bullshit. In retrospect it gets me thinking of the stories you hear about people who have major injuries doing things like climbing Mt. Everest, biking across Europe, or other just ridiculously amazing things while people with far fewer challenges are sitting at home bitching about having to pay taxes on their fancy sports car and vacation properties. And he said, "What if you made a decision to draw a line in the sand, or in my case, the quick sand, and from this day forward NEVER let your weight and the other stuff stop you from finding whatever it is that you want, be it a romantic relationship that you enjoy, travel, a career your passionate about, activity and a wonderfully vibrant full life.
I immediately in my head began to consider why I couldn't do that. And it's based upon my previous track record of for lack of a better word, just not thinking I was good enough to; complete goals, risk being hurt/disappointed without it crushing me, and when it comes right down to it very simply FEAR. If you don't risk, you don't fail. But then again what I'm realizing is that you never succeed either. In reflection I realize I've let fear drive my life right down apathy alley, depression drive and shitty self-esteem street. And I think I might be done. And through some of the work I've been doing in the past year I've grasped the nugget of faith that says, where fear was driving me is no longer good enough. I deserve better. (Big dramatic gulp.....Eek!) But I have to say that out loud because if I don't, it will marinate in my head and I can so easily talk myself out of a really good idea. Why I didn't let that little voice of fear and caution talk me out of that perm in the early '80's is beyond me, but that's another story. ;-)
So that leads me back to the title of this post, "Now what do I do???" And the wonderfully open, hopeful, amazing, and occasionally scary answer to that question is, whatever I want. And I'm so glad to know that as long as I have so many wonderful people in my life to travel the journey with me, I will get there. I feel like the journey is about to pick up speed and I'm excited....
I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading.
So I'd been riding said ferris wheel and began to retract into my turtle shell a bit. I have to admit, for someone who battles isolation at times, social media is an absolute mixed bag. It unfortunately gives the illusion of being emotionally connected with people while not actually having to put the effort forth of showing up face to face. For people with legitimate reasons for not leaving the house; caretakers of loved ones and agoraphobics and the like, it can be a very useful tool. For someone like me though, it can turn into a situation where I feel artificially connected with people because I know you went to Chicago Fire for dinner with your family last Thursday, while not having to show up face to face and be honest, vulnerable and accountable to people who genuinely have my best interests at heart. Also known as the slippery slope ending in a drop off a cliff.
Therefore, while my father and housemate is embarking on his 11 day, 3 state, social whirlwind vacation and I'm home keeping the puppies from hanging off the chandeliers, I recognized the potential for this to be either a great opportunity for me to do things differently or it could be a complete nightmare. Thankfully for right now at least I am choosing the former. Again, queue gratitude.
I may have mentioned previously that I've realized just how much I have previously allowed my weight and the corresponding consequences color the world I live in. More than just that, it's come to define the way I've learned to think about myself. And it's so ingrained in my subconscious that I forget sometimes that it is truly a choice to think of myself in the often negative light that my being overweight puts me in. I was chatting with someone on Facebook the other day and explaining this, and just sort of justifying my stuck-ness and she countered with her view of me that was so awesome I thought, "Hell I want to know THAT woman!!!". It was so interesting because for as benign a conversation as it was, it made me realize that we rarely see ourselves the way that we really are. And that can certainly happen in the context of positive AND negative parts of ourselves. And for perhaps the first time, when someone presented me with a view of myself that was complimentary, my internal "committee" didn't respond with, "Well they're just saying that because they love me", or, "thanks but here are the infinite reasons I'm not that person...". The internal thought was, "Yeah, I COULD be that Person, I WANT to be that person, and am on my way." It felt like a watershed moment.
Having one thing that has completely high jacked my self-image (my weight and it's corresponding laundry lists of reason's I'm therefore not good enough for _________[fill in the blank] is like being nearsighted. When I wake up in the morning I don't even get out of bed without putting my glasses on because I really can't see without them. It completely dominates the way I view the world. And so has this, up until now.
I say up until now, because I found myself talking to my therapist recently (well, okay it was this afternoon) and I was sort of processing this idea, and he said, "You've let your weight and the baggage the comes along with it (which for me is the joint problems that will require 3 joint replacements once I'm at a suitably healthy weight) to be the reason, excuse and cop out for not doing a lot in your life." I certainly couldn't argue with that, but have always felt more than a bit justified in saying that my joint stuff is a "LEGITIMATE" reason why I don't do some things. And as all wonderful therapists will do, he called bullshit. In retrospect it gets me thinking of the stories you hear about people who have major injuries doing things like climbing Mt. Everest, biking across Europe, or other just ridiculously amazing things while people with far fewer challenges are sitting at home bitching about having to pay taxes on their fancy sports car and vacation properties. And he said, "What if you made a decision to draw a line in the sand, or in my case, the quick sand, and from this day forward NEVER let your weight and the other stuff stop you from finding whatever it is that you want, be it a romantic relationship that you enjoy, travel, a career your passionate about, activity and a wonderfully vibrant full life.
I immediately in my head began to consider why I couldn't do that. And it's based upon my previous track record of for lack of a better word, just not thinking I was good enough to; complete goals, risk being hurt/disappointed without it crushing me, and when it comes right down to it very simply FEAR. If you don't risk, you don't fail. But then again what I'm realizing is that you never succeed either. In reflection I realize I've let fear drive my life right down apathy alley, depression drive and shitty self-esteem street. And I think I might be done. And through some of the work I've been doing in the past year I've grasped the nugget of faith that says, where fear was driving me is no longer good enough. I deserve better. (Big dramatic gulp.....Eek!) But I have to say that out loud because if I don't, it will marinate in my head and I can so easily talk myself out of a really good idea. Why I didn't let that little voice of fear and caution talk me out of that perm in the early '80's is beyond me, but that's another story. ;-)
So that leads me back to the title of this post, "Now what do I do???" And the wonderfully open, hopeful, amazing, and occasionally scary answer to that question is, whatever I want. And I'm so glad to know that as long as I have so many wonderful people in my life to travel the journey with me, I will get there. I feel like the journey is about to pick up speed and I'm excited....
I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading.
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