It's truly amazing how fast life can move once a decision is made. And that certainly holds true for me. As someone who has struggled with morbid obesity for 25+ years I think I can truly say that I have tried every option out there to try and get some weight off of me. Except for one....And that is to have bariatric weight loss surgery. It's been around for quite a while and I've had the experience of watching people close to me and strangers do the surgery and have varying degrees of results. Two of the women who were with me in treatment were there because they had become bulimic after weight loss surgery. It was a harrowing cautionary tale to watch. I wanted to be one of those people who could accomplish something like loosing significant amounts of weight with just my OWN PERSONAL POWER. (Pause for the rueful laugh of someone who by the definition of being in a recovery program around food GETS how ridiculous that statement is). And so while talking to my Rhumatologist who has known me since I was 16 years old, I asked him about it. He expressed his concerns and then very casually said, "But it could be the best thing you ever do for your health." And for some strange reason the door was open. The footwork began. That footwork has moved at a rather breathtaking pace for a Libra like me who could cheerfully debate and issue into oblivion.
And what I have come to realize is that it truly is ALL about your village. I have become completely amazed, overwhelmed and humbled by the people who have expressed their support for this new chapter in my journey. To my medical team who have been 100% behind me, to my friends who have said that they support me no matter what. To my family who are behind me as well. And especially my recovery friends who are helping me to become as emotionally and spiritually prepared for this next phase. Because as I have been going through the footwork, I have to remember that for me, who identifies as a Compulsive Overeater, I must always remain vigilant that I have a problem in my mind primarily, and that this is in NO WAY a fix or panacea. The honest truth is that I find I'm doing MORE of the recovery work than I was before considering this, which is a bit surprising to me.
I was on a day road trip with one of the members of my village, and I was talking about this whole experience and I said rather emphatically, "This HAS to work." And when I say work I mean get me to the weight the doctors say is required for joint replacement surgery. And after some contemplation this person to me, "That's just an awful lot of pressure you're putting on yourself. You're going to be okay no matter what happens." And I can honestly say that I didn't believe him at that point. I was full of a great deal of fear and anxiety about the situation and was just convinced I was going to find a way to mess this up. My weight has truly been the most significant place where I buy into the belief that I can't do "it".
And the truth is that "I" can't do it. Not alone. And that's the part I had been missing for quite awhile. I believe that a Power greater than me is going to restore me to sanity, and for me sanity means taking this next step. Because I am in a 12 Step spiritual program for this addiction, I believe that I have to be successful using ONLY the tools of that program. Picture me meditating under a tree while shoving Wheat Thins in my mouth...that's pretty much it. I thought that choosing this surgery was a failure in some way, or meant I didn't believe that in recovery for myself. NOTHING could be father from the truth the closer I get to the actual surgery date. What truly is the recovery for me is realizing that I'm worth doing this surgery and that I can reach out for help in whatever form it takes. That still blows my mind as I read it on the computer screen.
Because I have a lot to lose. I've got a lot of life to live. Lot's of adventures and lot's of travel and lot's of service to give to the world at large. I've got my dad who wants me to be okay before anything happens to him. And I've got my village who has just shown up in a way that maybe makes me finally believe that I'm a lovable imperfect person who deserves to have a full, crazy life. Because if there's one thing I know, it's that I want Westboro Baptist Church to picket my funeral. Hee Hee!
If you're reading this, thanks for being part of my village too.
