So, you see, there's this boy. Now before you roll your collective eyes at the computer screen, let me explain to you why that's such a miracle in my life. I am 48 years old. And I've never been in love before. There are a couple of reasons for this. 1) My parents didn't exactly have a "perfect" marriage. They had a significant amount of conflict during their marriage. It showed up most frequently in verbal confrontations. Loud, mean, cruel verbal conflicts. Unfortunately for my father, when my mom was drinking which was VERY frequently, she would be particularly cruel in her attempts to chop my dad off at the spiritual kneecaps. She'd go in the direction of his upbringing (not nearly as $ as hers), or his family (imperfect but very genuine). Therefore, to say I had a good model of a positive and uplifting primary romantic relationship would be untrue. The other reason is that for whatever reason, the simple and most convenient one being my mom projecting her dissatisfaction about her own body image onto an impressionable young girl, I did not believe a boy/man would love me at a higher weight. It was just a gospel truth I held in my brain as a God's honest foundational truth about my life from adolescence until not too long ago. It was a lot of weight to carry around if I am being completely honest.
Now as I approached my 40th birthday, I was panicking. I had not at that point even kissed a boy let alone done other more "physical" things. And I felt time was running out. I did not want to qualify for a sequel to the Steve Carrell classic movie, "The 40 Year Old Virgin". So like any good ego maniac with basement level self-esteem, I decided that I "must" lose my virginity before I turned 40. In retrospect, feeling so differently about myself today, I'm a bit sad about my insistence to get experience first. If there are any of my SFHS alumni reading this, my personal choice to have some frosting before the cake, left a lot to desired. For the very simple reason that I didn't value myself as a precious child of Mike and acted accordingly. I made what seemed at the time to be an intelligent choice; to get experience with physical intimacy out side of a committed romantic relationship. Because at the time, it was progress for me to even be entertaining the idea that a man could find me physically/sexually attractive. That I was willing to be seen sans apparel with lights being on was a huge miracle in and of itself. I had sort of a defiant "take it or leave it" persona oozing out of my pores that dared a man to speak critically of my body. Or at least more critically than I talked about my body. Which was setting a VERY high bar.
Well that extremely late in life attempt at a "slutty" phase of my life fizzled out and I just got back to the regularly scheduled program of killing myself with food. And during that time I met a guy. And he liked my body exactly as it was, and wasn't particularly shy about sharing his opinion with me. It was disarming. It was a matter of fact thing about our friendship that he simply didn't question, even if I did. And he would contact me to check in with me intermittently. And I found his enthusiasm l found it almost annoying, more than once. Because didn't he know he was interrupting my bingeing? He had the audacity to drive up to my home town from a considerable distance to see me. When he got here, I hadn't showered in multiple days, my hair was a wreck, and he was interrupting my sleep because of a lengthy binge the night before. To say I was more unwelcoming that Kevin McCarthy at the Democratic National Convention would not be too dramatic. We did see each other and he left. I was secretly horrified he'd seen me at what I now know was my absolute worst. My ego retaliated by making him responsible for something he clearly was NOT responsible for and told him in no uncertain terms, to kick rocks. Being a gentleman, he respectfully abided by my request.
And then, a funny thing happened. I got abstinent. Like not just "Oh I don't eat 'X'" abstinent. I'm talking spiritual experience of the lightening bolt variety. Psychic change, freedom from the obsession type of abstinence. Recoil as if from a hot flame, there is nothing more important than keeping what Mike has given me, "My abstinence is the #1 thing in my life without exception" sort of abstinence. And just like that, the huge rucksack of shame and guilt that I had been carrying around about myself was just removed from my shoulders. Mike said, "that looks a bit heavy Kathy. Can I carry that for you?" And in a sign of progress, I said, "sure".
So with about 15 days of this new entire abstinence I was driving out to the airport to pick up my best friend. I had just hosted my oldest brother and family for lunch and got to meet my adorable 3 month old twin nephews. I was in an excellent mood when my car phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. I had blocked the guys number and hadn't give it any thought really so I picked up the number. It was the guy. And I had learned about "having contempt prior to investigation " and didn't automatically hang up. And another magical thing happened. My eyes were different. Because where I once saw a guy who was annoying in his harassment of me, I now saw a good friend who'd maintained contact with me over a multi-year period because he cared. I saw a man who'd seen me at my absolute gutter level worst and still contacted me. I saw a man who was good, smart, funny, caring and kind. When I expressed my reservations that he might only be attracted to me because of a morbid fetishized attraction to fat women, his response was, "Can't I be attracted to you without objectifying you?" (I admit there was a antebellum worthy level of swooning that occurred when he said that. I mean how good is that?). We started chatting with some regularity.
I was terrified of sharing this with my sponsor because of the perceived hard and fast rule that most 12 Steppers have, "No dating/sexual relationships w/in the first year of program". And I was worried she was going to take my new toy out of my proverbial toy box and not let me play with it. Perhaps it was more than a little bit of projection on my part. Because I had forgotten that Mike had delivered to me that most perfect sponsor that I could possibly ask for. I don't mean a perfect sponsor, but the right one for me. We had a terribly vulnerable and real meeting where she expressed her concern that many more recovered people have gone out of the rooms based on a romantic relationship. But that there are also no mistake, just lessons or blessings in the program. That if I am surrendering my will to HP to the best of my abilities ODAAT, it was perfect and already ordained. I exhaled through my tears entirely grateful for the God's with skin Mike had put in my path, yet again.
The other thing I was supremely grateful for was that I knew, in my gut/core/heart, that I was not willing to give up the abstinence I had for anyone/anything. And that in and of itself is a precious miracle because I had envied those people who could sit in the meetings and say with a quiet confidence that, "their abstinence is the #1 thing in their life, without exception". And now I was one of those people. If even talking to this guy was going to risk one millimeter of the precious recovery that I had, I would walk away. Because Mike has only 3 answers when we want something, "Yes." "No," or "I have something better planned. Stay patient". Although I was already 48 years old never having felt feelings for a guy, I'd wait longer if I had to.
Because the third miracle that was occurring was that I was developing feelings for this guy. And they weren't the atypical "Ooohhh...He's HOT!" sort of feelings. They were quiet, and timid and real. The type of real that sort of makes you feel like your heart is being scrubbed with a surly porcupine. It felt raw and slightly painful. I had held centurion guard over my heart for my entire life. And now, with just 15 days of entire abstinence, my heart was deciding that perhaps Mike was a better judge of what I needed in my life. Whatever was ahead, I was willing to go along for the ride.
And I've decided that I am basically on one of those lazy floats down the American River so many got to experience in their youths. I'm in a rubber raft, with this guy and we're floating down this river. Mike is our rafting guide. With much more experience in rafting, he knows how to protect us from the danger zones while also ensuring we have a thrilling trip. As long as we look to him for guidance this is going to be a worthwhile trip that I will remember. And it's a trip I've been waiting my whole life to take. I only get to take it if I stay focused on the next "steps" ahead of me. The fruits of recovery are only for the diligent and prepared. They are not, I have learned, something you earn through any virtue or special state. They are truly available to everyone at any time. The price of a ticket is your control and using food as a crutch. Being willing to start doing His will, one day at a time also helps. I don't necessarily care where we end up, or how long it takes to get there. I am just enjoying the ride. It is a ride that I'm showing up for with a flutter in my heart, a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.
It is incredibly good to be me.
Thanks for reading.
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