You've met Guido, now meet Mike

If you're like me, and you're grew up a child of the late 70's early 80's you probably have a somewhat fractured relationship with religion.  I grew up Catholic, and grew up in the time after Vatican Council II but before the explosion of the priest sex abuse scandal that sent so many of us away from the churches we grew up in.  It's a tough time to believe in God, only because his servants have been off doing some shady shit.  And that's no lie.  

Recovery in a 12 Step program is CONTINGENT upon our ability to create and develop a relationship with a power greater than ourselves.  But for someone like me, who grew up with Charleton Heston standing on top of the mountain with the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, finding a relationship with a Higher Power that will enable me to not eat $74/TacoBell every night is a tall order.  I am someone who is described in the Big Book as believing in a Higher Power, but being unable to believe that power will work for ME.  I've since learned that is a huge sign of arrogance.  And I get that.  Who am I to believe in a wonderful entity, capable of miracles, but believe that entity would single me out for exclusion? I've since realized I'm not that special.  And I'm good with that.  

So what does a girl do now?  If Step Two is crucial for the recovery process, how does a woman who has been  Super Glued to her self-will develop a connection with a Higher Power? She starts with a picture in her mind.  

Seeing as my romantic history was slightly stunted by my food addiction, I didn't grow up with the experience of having lots of boyfriends growing up.  So I spent a fair amount of time in fantasy.  It is an ongoing process to let go of that maladaptive coping skill.  Currently my favorite celebrity fantasy is Michael Fassbender.  He is just #gorgeous.  Those eyes, that smile.  He is the whole package while also being a great actor.  So THAT's the visual I'm starting with. 

Now that I've got his physical archetype set, let's get to his qualities.  Because he's a Higher Power, it's not all about how he looks (although he looks REALLY good). Mike as we shall call him going forward is gracious.  He's loving. He's got a healthy sense of humor for my often bizarre responses to things.  He is patient.  He's secure in his power.  He's firm in his belief that I deserve good things in my life and unwilling to allow me to compromise.  He's stalwart.  He's dependable.  He's quiet.  He's calm.  He's unhurried. He's moral. He has integrity.  He's chivalrous. He's honest. He's willing to sacrifice me liking Him, because He loves me.  He is omnipotent enough to control the goings on in the world, but small enough to care what's in my refrigerator.  He's strong.  He's a friend.  He's always available.  He's a listener, until it's time for me to shut up which inevitably happens when we talk. He's accepting of who I am ENTIRELY, believing that I am perfect just as I am in this moment.  He accepts me, he believes in me.  He hopes for me.  He hurts for me when I stumble.  

So this process is all about making Mike the center of my life and my recovery journey.  Because he's made this journey  possible.  And one day at a time I'm very grateful.  

Thanks for reading.