So one of the things that I have realized is that I will only have success with the physical weight loss that I need to be able to get my joints replaced if I focus on the SPIRITUAL aspect of 12 Step recovery. Because between you, me and the internet, I can feel the weight dropping off my body. It's happening quickly right now and the less I focus on it the better. What is working for me and giving me freedom from the compulsion to overeat one day at a time is focusing on the spiritual nature of the disease. My sponsor participates in a group of 12 Steppers called the Spiritual Gangsters. They are people from across multiple "qualifiers" (alcohol, food, narcotics, denting, sex love and relationship addiction, and just about any other maladaptive coping skill you can imagine) who come together to work the 12 Steps because what we are seeking recovery from is a spiritual problem that happens to effect me in a very visible way. If I am abstinent and in a recovery state, my weight should be trending down. It should be fairly noticeable from meeting to meeting. If I am in relapse it will unfortunately be very obvious. I will most likely not be taking care of myself in a myriad of ways. I will not want to make eye contact with you. I will make commitments I don't honor. I will disappoint you. I will frustrate you. This is the maddening world of active addiction and it does not matter one rip[ what you choose to try and fill that God shaped whole with. What matters is that you are trying to fix a spiritual problem with a physical solution that is actually the recipe on how to slowly kill you.
ALL THIS IS TO SAY- I had occasion to go through my jewelry box this weekend and I found several bracelet watches that need new batteries. The fact that I even possess bracelet watches is a testament to my optimism that is one of my overriding characteristics. Because if you've ever been one of the "big girls who have wanted a bracelet watch, I'm here to tell you:YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Big girls are relagated to the "stretchy band" section of the watch department that make one feel like a model for fashion accessories for seniors. You just feel, for lack of a better word, frumpy. And so when I came across these three watches, there was no way to be sure if they even worked, let alone fit. I was worried that should I try them on but not be able to get them closed and it would be a sign that my progress is not good enough. Because that's what addicts do. We assign inordinate importance to tribal experiences.
But I'm doing things differently these days. I can do anything as long as I ask Mike to join me on the adventure. And that's the bonus of being in recovery. Things can go from beyond your wildest dreams to stagnate and hopeless in one bad choice. I can only compare it to the feeling of being on roller blades with the elbow and knee pads, helmet securely on top of my head. I'm being asked to go down a steeply sloping BMX track with jumps and ramps and danger. Oh, and by the way, could you do it while holding a Faberge egg and not damage that precious item in your hands on the way down? Because that's what it feels like I'm doing right now. And some days it feels easy to pull off, most days in fact right now (thank you Mike!). But some days are just a flat out trudge. Like carrying a bag of rocks up a steep muddy hill sort of trudging. But the good news is that you're not alone anymore. There are fellow trudgers along the path with you. You easily meet and greet different people, having short but meaningful chats and then wishing them well as they continue on their own journey. The trudging sometimes is very tiring but luckily Mike encourages self-care while on the journey. It doesn't feel familiar yet, but it's good to practice. You know that you can ask for directions along the way? There is always someone who knows what you're going through available to provide support. That makes the trudge better. We can gently laugh at one another in a knowing way, because we're on the same journey. 12 Steps. Freedom and a life of rich and meaningful connections. Its worth the effort. It's worth the anxiety and fear of change. Mike wouldn't being you this far and leave you! Take the leap. Its SO worth it. Because aside from freedom and a chance to live a life beyond your wildest dreams; you also get to be a former "big girl" who can wear any bracelet watch she wants now. Just another one of the miracles I get to experience amidst the trudging. It most certainly makes the journey worth it.
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