So, there are absolutely people who can be in program and be struck sober. There are some people for whom it is a struck by lightening experience. That is not my story. My story is a lot murkier and darker. But what happened for me is that while I can't say I was struck abstinent, I WAS in fact, struck willing. I went from someone who was just NOT a part of the larger world in any significant way to being willing to change my entire life to get freedom from the self-loathing that comes with being a gutter compulsive overeater. If you don't believe in a power greater than yourself, I dare you to try and explain how someone like me, who was legitimately slothful towards the end of my relapse; goes from an average DoorDash bill of $74/DAY to someone who can sit at a birthday party and feel total and complete neutrality amidst 2 different decadent cakes. They truly could have been sawdust for all I cared. As a gutter, low bottom compulsive overeater I can only tell you that it was nothing short of miraculous. The freedom was intoxicating. I jumped off on the "pink cloud" and headed towards the sunset. Old Timers looking at me with timid hope, "I hope it is different this time. She's been like this before and has relapsed." It would be tough to watch someone you care self-destruct again. It's heartbreaking.
But what do you do when you have absolutely NO STREET CRED left. People just don't believe you're going to walk your talk. I joked that I have a PhD in B.S. I talk a good game. I get why I was always told I had a personality for sales. I'm optimistic and outgoing in public situations. I wanted so badly to say, "No but you don't understand!!!!! It's "different" this time!" I can completely understand why people would be skeptical. It's tough to risk hope on someone you care about who seems to inevitably self-destruct into the closest comfort available. Which for me was always food.
My sponsor is gloriously direct in her communication style. Being so direct makes it extremely effective. She also has a sense of humor that is truly a gift from Mike to me. There's a line in the AA Big Book, "we are not a glum lot". When you've been DELIVERED to a new way of acting, you want to run around the town square screaming it to the rooftops. My enthusiasm was borderline obnoxious. In my zeal of abstinence, I wanted to do everything all at once. I asked questions that to me seemed to be an attempt to gain more information. To my sponsor, it was an attempt to control and be in self-will. And while I was defensive in the beginning, I quickly began to see that my being so "enthusiastic" in conversations, often became interrupting and dominating conversations. Everyone's endearing is another persons irritating.
As my sponsor coached me on things like; keeping commitments to have homework ready to share with sponsor. Being clear about start times for our daily Zoom meetings. Things that seem benignly troublesome are an example of my being in the grips of the disease. Because I was used to running the show see, and if I was going to give control over to an entity I was only just beginning to define, it was going to have to be convincingly worth it. I took my lumps and bumps and coaching from my sponsor. And she ALWAYS framed it as an opportunity to learn something about ourselves that we can possibly use in service of others. Because that's really the whole point of all this. To be spiritually fit enough to be of service to others in every interaction you have. It's a tall order for sure. But giving it away is the only way to guarantee protection from the first compulsive bite. It's one of the promises of the program.
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