This post is about addresings some very interesting and specific comments that I received about my lsat post where I discussed my experience of being in high school. Before I go any further, let me first of all let me say a HUGE "Thank you!" to the people who are enthusiastically reading this blog so far and supporting me in this endeavor. I honestly did not think this would be received so well, and that people would be as interested as they have been. Of COURSE I find my own life terribly interesting (Most of the time, not really :)) but I am tickled by the interest being shown, and it reminds me that my experience can help others which is a wonderful goal.
That being said, I received several comments from people who knew me back in the day, who felt that I was perhaps not honestly reflecting on some of the less enchanting aspects of my high school life. And I think that perhaps those people were right. I didn't want to dwell on that part of my life, NOT in any attempt to necessarily gloss over what was in fact a pretty painful time for me, but because I feel like the footwork that I'm doing NOW is much more important than what I did back then. THAT BEING SAID, it may show anyone reading this blog in the future that they were not alone in being teased, feeling severely self-conscious, or being outright ignored during their high school years. So I'm going to give a few snapshots of what I experienced during my life at St. Francis.
Some of the girls that I'd gone through 8 years of grade school with tended to be the people who gave me the most difficulties. One in particular whom I won't name, had a conversation with me that I had thought was confidential and then shared that conversation with all the other girls in our group which in the end resulted in me being ostracized from the ONLY people who I knew at my brand new high school. The only motive I could come up with then or now was extreme cruelty and a desire for me to be hurt. I also remember going to the Holy Bowl (for the un-initiated that was a huge football game between the two Catholic boys schools in Sacramento which in turn was just a huge excuse for a social gathering of GARGANTUAN proportions) I remember wanting desperately to be a "part-of" and joining the mass of teenagers who were watching the game at the time and having many of the boys in the mob laughing at me and calling me names like "Cow" and "Fatty". Not one of my best moments. I never went to a mixed event again my entire high school life. And the only other experience that specifically stands out for me was an experience in drama class where I was doing improvisation with someone and during our brainstorming time they wanted me to place myself in a position to be the butt of a joke that was specifically based on my larger side. I told this class mate that I didn't want to do the skit that way, and tried to tell her "NO", but she went ahead and did it anyway. My shame and self-loathing felt like they were leaking out of my pores and I was reduced to tears in my shame and frustration. At that point, I literally think that I withdrew myself because I NEVER wanted to be responsible for placing myself in a position to be THAT HURT again.
The final experience that I remember ACUTELY was an experience where I went to public school during the summer to participate in Art and Drama classes as a way to fill the time during the summer. (My mom was not a big fan of surly slothful teenagers just hanging around the house during the summer so we were forced to make ourselves busy). During the art class we were making signs, and a group of boys make a sign with a yellow chicken on it that said, "NO FAT CHICKS", and spent the remainder of the class looking at me and laughing. After class when I tried to leave to find somewhere private to kill some time by myself in peace, I was followed around by that same group of boys who kept pestering me and asking me questions that were designed to hurt me. That made me realize that no matter HOW hard I thought it was at St. Francis, being in public school would have been BRUTAL. I learned then and there to pick my battles carefully and to build my suit of armor as well as I could.
So my high school experience was this completely weird combination of DESPERATELY wanting to belong and being liked, at almost any cost, and at the same time feeling like I had to be EXTREMELY defensive and self-protective because based on the track record I had experienced, I had good reason to believe that people would treat me differently and quite cruelly. And they'd do that based soley on my weight, without getting to know me or figuring out that I could be a pretty decent friend, if only they'd let me in.
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