After graduating from college, taking 6 years to complete my degree, I was not exactly awash with ideas on how I was going to conquer the universe. I still was employed at JC Penney and had worked their for 4 years at the point when I graduated and was also offered a position at the Legal Aide non-profit where I had interned during my last year in school. I think in retrospect I may have been the only Sacramento native who didn't want to work at the Capital for my internship. That was again, all based upon my body size, the limitations being placed on my body by my weight, and what I assumed would be the judgement of people who liked their female interns young, petite and perky. So while I liked the more liberal bent of the work being done at the Legal Aide office, it was also a place where I knew after meeting the staff, that I would be appreciated for my skills, and not how I looked in a skirt suit.
The job I was offered at Legal Aide was that of an administrative assistant. There were several perks to the job including flexibility and having benefits offered to people who met a 60% time threshold (22.5hrs a week, which is what I worked). That combined with my job at JCPenney certainly kept me busy. As some people may have learned, 2 part time jobs doesn't equal 1 full time job, it's more effort than that. But I enjoyed the work, and enjoyed helping people. The one draw back to this situation was that I was extremely overqualified for BOTH of the positions for which I was now employed. This was to be an ongoing theme for me when it came to employment. Because of the overwhelming insecurity I felt due to my weight, I just naturally was applying for jobs that were way below my skill and intellectual level. While this created situations where I wasn't exactly challenged by my jobs, it did lend itself to me rarely being told I "no" in relation to applying for jobs. Since I was so overqualified from the get-go, it wasn't too hard for me to get the jobs I was applying for.
I lasted at both jobs a total of 7 months at which point I left JCPenney because there was no chance of advancement and I wasn't able to handle the stress and constant commute of working two part time jobs. With my parent's blessing (Something I still sought at the age of 24) I quit JCPenney. At my exit interview I was told that they had wanted to give me a lead position but they were worried that I would not be able to handle the more physical aspect of the job which included bringing things to other associates and providing support. They were concerned I wouldn't be able to walk the distances necessary. While I appreciate the faith that they had in me, I was upset that my weight was once again becoming a barrier in reaching even the mediocre goals I had at that point in my life.
From December of 1998 until April of 2000 I worked at the Legal Aide office as an administrative assistant but since I'd also been an intern, I was able to provide support to the interns who were working there as well. I coordinated a silent auction for a fundraiser and used my diplomatic phone skills to do a lot more than what was typically required of the previous admin assistant. When I approached the program director requesting to discuss the possibility of full time placement, I was told that there was no money in the budget but that I also had displayed some characteristics that made them concerned that I wouldn't' be suitable for a permanent position. This was not weight related but had more to do with the fact that I was bored in a position where I was genuinely not being challenged and so I was sort of slacking off when I could and it was being noticed. I was upset at what I thought was a slap in the face, because of my "above and beyond" tasks but in retrospect I understand what they were getting at. So I began my quest for other full time employment.
This quest for full time employment also was born out of my intense need to get out of my parent's house. At this time I was still living with my parents and I was not getting along with my mom very well. We are the same people, judgmental, defensive and at that time I was eating a great deal in an attempt to cope with emotions. It's my PERSONAL opinion that my mom used alcohol as a coping tool, and so when you have two people who were using substances to cope with their feelings rather than talking and more important LISTENING to each other. That's pretty much a gourmet recipe for conflict. There was lot's of yelling and fighting and lots of hurtful words on both sides. It just felt like NOTHING I did was good enough. Not my clothes, my hairstyle, my friends, my plans. And it was just to the point where I had to spread my wings and get out.
The year prior to my "escape from Alcatraz" I had been approached by a loving friend who had asked me if I wanted to start doing something about my weight. If you're anything like me, there's always some excuse for why you can't make your health the number one priority. "I've got school, I've got work, I can't start till Monday, next week, next month next year." But once I was down to one job, and nothing else, there was really no logical reason why I shouldn't start. And I felt I was ready to start putting the food down. This friend of mine suggested that we both do Weight Watchers and so I enrolled and started working the program. Since this friend of mine lived in the East Bay area of Oakland, I would frequently get on a 7:00am train in Sacramento to go to a Weight Watchers meeting in Oakland with her. I was aware even at that point that I COULD NOT DO THIS ALONE. I needed her emotional support and her nonjudgmental way of making talking about food and eating a lot easier to handle. This was officially the beginning of my health and weight loss journey.
I remember the first WW meeting vividly. We met for coffee before hand, and then went to the meeting. The scales that they had at the meetings topped out at 440lbs. When I stepped on one scale, it went all the way to the top and zeroed out. When I think about the amount of shame I had ALWAYS carried around with me about my weight, the fact that I didn't run screaming out of the room is what I still believe to be a miracle. I could have so very easily just walked out. But I didn't. I stayed and for 6 more weeks I stepped on the scale and it zeroed out. Once the scale started registering a weight, I was relieved but in retrospect I can only estimate that my weight when I began WW was somewhere around 475lbs. As I heard once, the problem with weighing 475lbs is not how far it is from 400, but how close it is to 500. I thank the God of my understanding for getting me through those first emotional and stressful weeks of trying to get some sort of perimeter around my food.
I was attending WW in both the Bay Area and also in Sacramento and in February of 2000 I finally had made an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to discuss my hip. I'd had an MRI and was going into seeing this physician for the very first time. I'd lost some weight at this point and was now at about 400lbs. I met this doctor who took one look at my reports and said, "There's nothing that I can do for you now, you need a total hip replacement and you need to be 200lbs or under for that. I'll see you when you weigh 200lbs." That was it. No compassion, no understanding, no listening. It was devastating for me. Here I was for the first time making an effort ON MY OWN, to do something about my weight, and the doctor basically came in and popped by balloon with a machete. I literally went home, crawled into bed and cried for two solid days. That experience has led me to carry around a certain prejudice towards orthopedic surgeon's to this day. I'm glad I've finally met a doctor who is able to effectively mix reality with compassion and I'm hoping he'll be the doctor to do my joint replacement surgeries when I'm ready.
Something interesting happened after that meeting with the doctor. I stopped losing weight. I was yo-yoing around the same 5lbs for the next two months, feeling more discouraged and depressed than I had in quite a while. Once Saturday morning after a WW meeting I was having coffee with participant who like me was one of the few people who didn't qualify for Medicare in the class, and she asked me if I'd ever thought of going to Overeaters Anonymous*. Not for lack of qualifying, but no one in my family had ANY experience of exposure with 12 Step programs and I'd honestly never heard of them. Part of my reason for agreeing to go to a meeting with her was because I thought she was such a groovy chick and I wanted to be her friend, I still do think she's a super groovy chick by the way. When she showed up the following Saturday with a meeting schedule and suggested we go to the meeting together that evening, I was ready for anything. In my spinning around the same 5lbs for two months, I was realizing that my weight had a lot less to do with food than I had previously thought. I was willing to try anything.
*A note about discussing OA in this blog: As you may or may not know, OA, much like Alcoholic's Anonymous is a 12 Step recovery program from compulsive overeating. The anonymity that is fundamental to this program is to insure that the MESSAGE of the program is what is communicated rather than any one person being a star, guru, or treated special for any particular reason. OA has been an extremely significant part of my life and I can not speak about becoming physically, emotionally or spiritually healthy without discussing OA. If you're reading this and want to know more about OA, please go to www.oa.org to find out more about the program and attend a meeting in your area. There is also information about telephone and on-line meetings available on the site if you're in a more rural area. WHAT I AM SHARING IS JUST MY EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE AND NOT THE OPINIONS OF OA AS A WHOLE.
My next post will talk about my first experiences with OA and the larger world that opened up to me as a result of me being willing to be more open. Thanks for reading.
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