After graduating from high school I went to the local university for a few reasons. First of all, I went to CSUS because I didn't think I had the grades to go anywhere else. For some reason I had bought into the idea that I wasn't as smart as other girls I'd gone to school with. Regardless of any real measurable intelligence, I certainly didn't apply my smarts to good effect while in school. My brother was a year ahead of me in grade school and I had several teachers ask me why I couldn't be more like my brother when it came to academics. So to say I was striving for mediocrity was an understatement. I think I played "eni-meani-miney-mo" when it came to taking the SAT exam. I was happy when I got into CSUS' school of music. Participating in choir in high school was an important way for me to feel part-of and it was possibly the first time I'd found something I'd really loved that I excelled at and for which I received recognition. I also stayed home for college for the simple reason that I knew I wasn't ready to go away to school. Having the not so positive experiences with Co-ed social situations throughout high school, I had absolutely NO FAITH that I would be received with anymore kindness than I was when I went to the Holy Bowl my sophomore year of high school. My lack of confidence and my fear of being judged on my size drove ALL of my choices, and my deciding to stay home for college was no different in that regard.
Going from a school with a total enrollment of 700+ to a college that had 25,000 enrolled students was a shock to say the least. I had some comfort of knowing the university because both my parents taught there as I was growing up. At the very least I had access to their office in the Business Building where I could hide out effectively if needed. Because my father was a full time tenured professor and my mom taught part time, they shared their office because they were never on campus at the same time. I had access to a small office with ample air conditioning, a stereo and a vast supply of diet Coke. Not a bad deal when I thought about it. In retrospect however, it was another way that I was able to stay "apart" from the rest of the student body.
While my general education classes where relatively easy because of the great education I'd received from St. Francis, I found the music school to be a bigger challenge. My musical experience was limited to singing in group ensembles, and doing most of my learning by ear. I was suddenly thrown into piano proficiency, music theory and literature classes, in addition to private voice lessons. The theory classes were much like trying to learn a foreign language as quickly as possible. Despite my earnest effort, my grades in music classes fell progressively each semester. This was turning something I loved into something I hated. It was just too hard. Most of the people in classes with me had been reading sheet music and playing instruments for years and that just wasn't my story. When I received a "D" in my third semester of lower level music theory, I knew that I was going to have to change my major if I had any hope of graduating.
Because my parent's both taught at the school, I received financial credits that allowed me to take 12 or more units for virtually no cost. I realize now, as I watch people struggle to pay for college, how very lucky I was. When I told my parents that I wanted to change my major, their response was, "Take a variety of classes," trying to make sure what I took would count for general ed credits in the end. From photography to oceanography I was lucky to be able to spend time figuring out what I wanted to study. I feel bad for kids who have to race through college as if it were a vocational school. While I understand it, I'm grateful to say that I received an education rather than just degree.
During my quest for a major, I experienced my first bought of severe depression along with really being unable to control my eating. I was telling my parents that I was going to class, all the while I was getting a great deal of fast food and then going to the underground parking garage at the Downtown Plaza mall and parking in there and eating and sleeping for the whole day. I didn't understand at the time what was happening. But I was just unable to cope with the feelings of solitude and being alone. My friends who were a class behind me at St. Francis had left for colleges outside of Sacramento, and my best friend had finally transferred to a college in southern California. Because I had not spent a great deal of energy developing relationships on campus I felt acutely alone for the first time. One of the hardest consequences for me to accept when I experienced this deep depression was the fact that by not going to classes and not dropping them from my schedule, I failed several classes and dropped a whole point in my GPA which was unrecoverable. I went from a 3.5 GPA to a 2.2 GPA in two semesters. It's like parachuting off a cliff. Climbing UP the mountain takes a great deal of time, the descent is much quicker.
The other significant event of college was the fact that I discovered that I had severe inflammatory arthritis in my left hip. I had begun to experience severe burning and pain in my left hip and wasn't sure why. I would sit in a desk in class for 50 to 120 minutes depending on the day and when I would go to stand up the pain would be so severe that I was almost unable to put weight on the joint. After finally realizing that something was wrong, I went to a rhumatologist that I'd seen during high school when I'd had a bout of inflammation in my hands, and after an X-ray and MRI I was told that I had NO cartilage in my left hip. My doctor tried to assure me that my weight was not the sole reason why this was happening but it certainly wasn't helping. When I think back I can only imagine that my weight was somewhere between 350 and 400lbs at the time. A life already difficult was made even more so because of the literal and emotional weight I was forcing myself to carry.
It took me approximately 16 months to dig myself out of my depression and to be honest my memory of that time isn't real vivid. I finally recommitted to getting back into school, declared myself a Government major because of a very enthusiastic teacher that made learning a joy. It was at this time that I also had to register with the campuses' Student's with Disabilities office, because I needed an accommodation of a free standing desk with a chair in each of my classrooms because I was too big to fit into any of the desks that were campus. I was able to finish my degree in three focused semesters while also working at the JCPenney call center that was located in Carmichael. I took great comfort in a job that allowed me to use my brains and intellect to good effect, but because I worked on the phone no one could judge me by my appearance. It was a good job for me, and looking back I realize that many overweight and obese people work in call centers for the very same reasons.
Graduating did indeed feel like an accomplishment but like all things, the experience was overshadowed by the difficulties that my weight was causing me. I remember the Commencement exercises at Arco Arena at the time being very challenging because we had to stand in line for some considerable time before going into the arena for the ceremony. Standing with my bad hip and size drove me to distracting pain and became sort of the preoccupying thought for me. Would I be able to be comfortable and in as little pain as possible? It became the predominate and always first thought in my head from that day forward.
In my next post I will share what life after college was like and how my weight effected me more and more as I endeavored to be part of the grown up world.
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