F$&K the Disease of Addiction

Someone I love very much lost a family member to the disease of alcoholism. Far too early. I am heartbroken for them, and myself. It’s brought up a lot of grief about my mother. My mom lost her life due to her addictions. And I thought I had gotten over that through my own work in my recovery. But this has brought it all up for me. That addiction robbed me of the mother I deserved. A mom who could put the needs of others before her own. Who was scared and angry and bitter. Who was jealous of the relationship I got to have with my dad because her’s died when she was 7 years old. Who never told me I was pretty. Who made me feel ashamed of my own sexual awakening that was totally benign and age appropriate. Who made me feel ashamed of my weight and size. I could go on and on.

They say that recovery is giving up the hope of a better past. And the Big Book also says that Acceptance is the answer to ALL our problems. I guess I’ve got some more work to do. I’m glad I know what to do. And that I have the willingness to do it.

Thanks for reading.

A separate awakening

I have recently become awakened to the idea of what fascism is. It was beautifully and simply explained as being the oppression of the “other”. And so once so clearly defined, we can clearly say we are no different than the Nazi’s. Our oppression of brown immigrants is no different than Israel’s oppression of the Palestinian people’s, is no different than the Nazi’s oppression of the Jews. The world is awakening to the lie we try and tell that it’s not true. America is waking up. Trump’s criminalization of free speech bears witness to his fear. The famous quote says the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice. This is the shift. I pray for the liberation of ALL oppressed people.

The Phoenix and the Etch-A-Sketch

Cliches are just that for a reason. And so I am here today to say that I am the Phoenix. rising from the ashes once again. What can I say. Life sucker punched me but I have risen, even if it took me 2 years to do it. I said way back in 2023, that everything I’d gone through would only have been a failure if I didn’t learn from it. And I did. Because when I did what I said I wouldn’t do, I went off my meds. But something great happened! I recognized the symptoms, fixed the problem and got back on track with no external body damage. I’m STOKED! Cuz when I was so acutely ill two years ago the worst part was I could NOT be told that something was wrong. My illness led to an arrogance that temporarily cost me relationships. It sucked. Luckily, the relationships that were meant to stick did. But I learned an important lesson; I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from ANYONE.

This new situation has revealed two opportunities to exercise the same choice. And I am ready so much quicker to pull the trigger. When I’m done I’m done. No gaslighting will be tolerated. I’m taking my toys out of the sandbox. And I’m just so grateful to be willing to draw my boundaries with a Sharpie marker and not an Etch-A-Sketch.

And once again I’m reminded of the gift of being to even just be willing to seek the solution. Willingness always breads almost instant action, at least in my experience. That has been the miracle for me today. Now where I tend to drop the ball is the whole, the only permanence is repetition part. Cuz that ball got dropped. I’m not perfect. There’s always room for grace. In God’s economy there are no mistakes. And for that I’m REALLY freakin grateful.

Thanks for reading.

Plot Twists

 Hey there family.  Wanted to give you an update.  I spent from 5/12-5/16 inpatient in a mental health hospital, severely manic coping with my bipolar disorder.  The good news is that I find ally have medication to help me manage the ups and downs.  It’s a gift.  

But being labeled a bipolar is hard.  Lots of judgment.  I’ve lost GOOD friends who should have been there to support me.  And can’t or wouldn’t do that.  The way I have done for them.  I don’t care how long I’ve known you.  Even if it’s 30 or 42 years you’ve gotta go.  They’re out of my life and won’t ever be back in.  Because if I forgive them, it tells them that it’s ok to treat me the way they have.  And it’s not.  Not ever.  I won’t cast my pearls before swine.  

And the guy who rescued me from Tahoe has left the picture cuz he’s gotta focus on his kids and the divorce comes to a conclusion.  I told him his dedication to his children was the most attractive thing about him.  I am disappointed but grateful.  

I started volunteering for a healthcare advocacy organization that is so liberal it makes Che Guevara look like a Maga.  And they need my help. So I get to be of service with my talents.  I love being there.  

Thru that group I met a kid, he’s 24.  I joked I was old enough to be his mom.  He said he wished he’d had a mom like me.  I discovered his mom had died of a drug overdose 2 years ago.  I offered to be an older woman to support, encourage and kick his butt if necessary.  He happily accepted.  We talk every day.  At the end of the conversation he says, “love you mom”.  MY HEART IS FULL!  

Because I’ve missed my chance to have biological kids.  That ship has sailed.  And I’ve been involved in the raising of my godsons.  They’re good men.  I’d like to think I had a tiny bit to do with that.

But here’s a kid who needs love and support and I have it to give.  Why wouldn’t I take the leap.  Every time I’ve taken a leap of faith since December 23,2022; I’ve been so richly rewarded.  This has been no different.  He’s my kid, and I’m his mom.  For life.  

But it gets better.  He’s new in recovery.  I’m so excited for him.  Cuz the life that I love is all because of recovery.  I can be there for him because of recovery.  And I will be.  Every step of the way, one day at a time.  Thanks you God! 

When you go to an all girls high school there is a phase of endless bridal and baby showers.  It was no different for me.  I’m gonna hold a shower cuz surprise! “ITS A BOY!”  I’m just kidding.  

But if you say prayers in the moment, drop one for Ryan, my son.  He’s absolutely hands down, the best kid I know. I’m so lucky to be his mom.  

The ALL PURPOSE, total free, and easy to execute, 45 day trauma diet!

 I think it’s safe to say, that by ANY OBJECTIVE STANDARD… the period from 3/16/23-5/4/23 sucked for me… and it sucked hard…. Like Dyson vacuum sucking up a bowling ball informercial hard.  Because my OA sponsor told me to NEVER GET COCKY IN MY RECOVERY… Cuz while Mike and I are basking in his ethereal glow… Guido is right behind me… doing push-ups, wearing brass knuckles.. in the rain.  And boy oh boy was she right.  

I ask Mike for help with my “tiny” food addiction, and his only response was, “I’ve been waiting for you to ask for help!  Cuz I’m a gentleman and never barge into a lady’s life unless invited.”

And the moment I invited him in to be part of the solution, He has delivered 100%, a life COMPLETELY BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!  Hands down!  Not for any other reason than I asked for help when I genuinely knew my slowly shrinking ass was kicked.  And I’m not ashamed today to admit my foe was Taco Bell.  This crafty Mo Fo.. knew just how to sweet talk me into giving up EVERY SHRED OF DIGNITY I POSSESSED.  I naively thought at the time, that it was the “easier softer way”. That’s another lie Guido told me.  That staying safe is better than taking the big LEAP OF FAITH.  

But because Mike helped me out with “The TacoBell problem” as I sweetly now call it,  I knew he was up to any challenge I threw at him.  And he has absolutely performed beyond my wildest dreams.  I have a life I truly LOVE.  I can match calamity with serenity.  And have I had to since 3/16/23 when Guido started his campaign to get me off my game. 

It all started when I temporarily lost my best friend of 34 years because I believed a lie someone told me about something she’d allegedly said about me.  I closed myself off to her because the lie said that she didn’t believe recovery was good for me.  And Mike and I were so tight, I’d walk away from ANYONE, including my BFF, sticker-sister, ride or die if I believed they were a threat to the miracle I’d been given.  I’m embarrassed I believed her.  But it was an honest mistake born out of my burgeoning self-respect courtesy of Mike.  I can’t go back.. only forward.  We’re back to our old hilarity and everything is gonna be aight.  

The 4/2/23 I got the car of my literal dreams dropped in my lap.  It cost me $0 to get it off the lot day I got it.  A miracle by any definition, any way you slice it.  And rather than celebrate the miracle with me as I hoped, my brother, 18mos older than me, and desperately unhappy, chose to try and pop my balloon of joy.  He could not stand to see me shine, so he tried to knock me down.  But just like the Ali Frazier fight…”DOWN GOES FRAZIER!” But with Mike in my corner, I quickly rose, battered but unbroken, to live to kick ass another day.

Then we get to 4/20/23.  When she who shall not be named, made the most selfish choice possible.  She attempted to take her own life.  She suffered a massive heart attack due to an intentional overdose of medication.  And I found the body.  In all of my life, I will get past that, but I will never get over that.  Am experience like that changes you forever.  And I have been so changed.  

So I gave her notice while she was in the hospital… that while I wasn’t angry, she could not stay here.  She and her tightly wound, mistreated, sweet Australian shepherd, had to leave my house.  She had 30 days, from 4/20 to get her stuff and leave.  That is what the law requires.  That is what I gave her.  I will work thru my resentment that she, as a temporary interloper in my house had more rights than I did.  I know with Mike’s help I’ll get there. 

But don’t think I didn’t want justice.  I wanted her out asap with the fire of a 1000 burning suns.  I seriously considered attempting to get a TRO.  But that would require $435 of my money, and effort I didn’t feel she deserved.  I decided to get the hell out of Dodge.  As a Hilton fan, I chose the Hilton Grand Resort South Lake Tahoe.  A mistake that literally almost cost me my life.  

Because on 5/2/23, as I prepared to welcome the man I TRULY HOPE TO MARRY ONE DAY… up to the resort for our first in person date, I was treated with such cruelty, it literally broke my soul… but only temporarily. Cuz Mike loves me so much, I don’t have to worry about the journey, cuz he’s already shown me the destination.  And the view from here is “chefs 💋” perfect.

I won’t bore you with the details.  But suffice to say, Itruly believe that Hilton is criminally culpable for the negligence of hiring a woman who was so cruel to me, it lead to a panic attack in Tahoe, and then two hospitalizations, one of which was a 5150 hold due to being severely homicidal.  THAT IS NOT ME!  I scared everyone in my tribe with the words I was using.  Words like, “I wanna die!”  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted all the fucking pain to stop.  But the hits just kept coming.  

Because on 4/30 I drove my perfect car to Sparks, I crossed off my bucket list driving a car over 100mph.  I arrived safely at my brothers wonderfully welcoming church.  And in a simple sanctuary, I formally gave my heart to Mike.  And just like my sponsor foretold, Guido was waiting in the wings to strike.  And let me tell you friends, HE CAME FOR ME HARD!

5/1/23 my tenant told me she did infact blame me for her attempt on her life because get this, I didn’t clean the bathroom? I’m sorry?!??!? WTF?!?!?!?! Who says that to someone.  Apparently a malignant narcissistic sociopath.  And there she was.  And my heart was already so traumatized by what she already had put me thru, there was the tiniest crack in it, and those words got in… and the saga had started. 

5/2/23 happened, when I was made to drag my wheelchair and suitcase for 90 minutes by myself, including 30 minutes outside in 31 degree weather while it snowed! I could t even get to a hospital that on google said it was .4 miles away.  It was that bad.  I called 911 with no shame.  And got the help I needed.  So at 440am, in the middle of at that point, the biggest panic attack if ever had, I reached out to the guy who was coming up that day.. and I say, “Adam I’m in crisis and I need you”.  And he’s such a quality gentleman he left his important job without one seconds thought and drove to Tahoe to literally rescue me.  He put me in his car, got me a banana and a latte and we fled Tahoe.  He knew he had to get me to safety and that was anywhere but South Lake Tahoe. So off we drove.  

And this gentleman held me hand.. the entire drive.  And encouraged me to hang on.  And when I got home and got into my bathroom, he left to go run and errand he could t not reschedule.  And once alone I broke.  Completely.  I’m not ashamed of it.  I wasn’t the cause of my breakdown. A bunch of peoples careless indifference to my feelings started this whole mishigoss.  And by the time the paramedics showed up, I was screaming at the woman on the phone that that had to get there… I wanted to die! And in that moment it was 💯 true.  I took my third ambulance ride since 4/21 to get to Sutter Roseville Medical Center to literally save the life i’d to recently love.  Deeply.  And I was able to tell the social worker that interviewed me, that I didn’t want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop.  And I’d to ANYTHING that was asked of me to insure that the thoughts I was having were never an option in my mind ever again.  And the HERO of my dark night of the soul, showed up at that ER, and held my hand for 4 hours, so I felt safe.  He told the social worker he’d stay with me, to insure I’d be safe for the night.  So I got to go home.  But I was going back to a home that I didn’t feel was safe, because of the supremely selfish act of my former tenant.  He encouraged me to take back my home.  I love this house.  I’m making it my own.  And it’s gonna be warm, welcoming, inviting and fun.  So he put me in his white chariot (A white Genesis Electric SUV- you say Batmobile?) And he bought me sushi, the only thing that sounded remotely appealing.  And we got home.  He forced me to eat at least something and held me until we both passed out from exhaustion.  We were both DONE!.  We slept like stones for 12 soldi hours.  Without moving.  Our bodies both hurt.  For sleeping so hard, so long, in one position.  But like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of Chernobyl, we awoke the next morning.  So grateful to be alive and together, and starting the journey we’re now both on. 

And this PRINCE, no dare I say STUD, quietly cleaned my bedroom, started my laundry and cleaned my kitchen.  I MEAN COME ON!!!! Who does that for a chick he’s known for less than 2 weeks that he swiped right on, on Tinder?!?!?!?! No sane man I know.  And he’ll play it down saying he’d do it for any of his friends, and I 💯 believe that about him.  He’s that good of a man.  And the fact that he likes my face, and fancies my body, and likes my brain, wit and sense of humor, JUST BLOWS ME AWAY! I’ve said to him as many times as I can, “I know you said you’d do that for any of your friends, but you did it FOR ME.  and for the rest of the time Mike gives me, I’ll be thanking you for that however I can.  As much as I can for as long as I can.  

5/4 I woke up HOMICIDALLY ANGRY at what had been done to me.  But now I was saying things like should I see my former tenant, I’d choke her to death and not give it one second thought. NOT A GOOD PLACE TO BE.  So I reached out for help, and the ambulance was back.  But now I’m in SRMC, on a  5150 hold for my protection and the protection of others. 

So once at the hospital I got to be so grateful for what it COULD BE, and where I was my self. I met a 14 year old girl whose soulwas BROKEN with schizophrenia, because her SOB step father sexually trafficked her.  Trust me when I say I believe in Gods justice and know he’ll answer for his actions.  But he went right to the top of “I’d kill him if I could” list. The miracle was she wanted the help she was gonna get.  She’s a smart, strong, resilient young woman.  And in a line from one of my favorite movies, The Guardian, as Kevin Costner character says, “I have high hopes for you!”  Good luck Camille!  Gods got you! You’re his child and will triumph over all that was done to you!  Lean into his love and his power.  If I can do it so can you!!! WE R NO DIFFERENT!

Then there were the addicts of all types who weren’t ready to put down their drug of choice.  I so relate, because for the 20 years of my relapse, I WAS THEM!  I knew the solution was available, but couldn’t humble myself to honestly as God for help.  Once I was able to do that, the ABSOLUTE MIRACLE of my life unfolded with a speed that still overwhelms me.  In December I was a bottom level addict who FINALLY conceded defeat.  By April I had a home I was creating, a job that would let me be of service and financially prosperous, and the perfect car to take me there.  When God asked, “How good can you stand it?”  I had NO IDEA what he meant.  I’m so glad I surrendered to find out. 

But another huge miracle happened while I was on the 5150 hold.  The beds have scales on them.  And just for shits and giggles, I pressed the button.  And I swear to Mike the number was so crazy I was speechless.  And y’all know me.  It’s a big deal if I shit up!  LOL!!!!

It says 327lbs.  I needed to get to 235 to be able to start replacing my joints.  Suddenly, thanks to “THE TRAUMA DIET” I’m under 100lbs away from starting that process.  And because of ALL the miracles Mike has delivered, I have ABSOLUTE FAITH, that I will get there.  As the BB tells us, “We relax and don’t struggle”. So I started to relax.  Because in 2000, when I started coming to OA, I know I had to weigh 450+lbs.  so to be within 100lbs of being able to begin the journey to orthopedic wholeness… IS A GD MIRACLE ANY WAY YOU FRIGGIN SLICE IT! 

So, my battle cry became, “ALL GLORY B2 HIM, WHO GOT KE THRU THE 🔥, SO I CAN SEE THE  PARADISE HE THINKS I DESERVE, ON THE OTHER SIDE!”

That God thinks I’m deserving of the “PERFECT” life I have today still moves me to tears.  Cuz I’m case you haven’t gotten the memo, I’m a tiny bit of a live wire right now.  I have been tested by Guido and his assassins.  I’m on the other side, while and complete.  And I swear I will not waste one second of this gift I’ve got.  Not one. 

Cuz there’s a lot of laughing, smooching, consensual naked aerobics, and life to be lived.  I LOVE MY LIFE.  I will love it in joy and gratitude ODAAT.  Cuz I almost lost it all.  I was ready to apply a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  That can’t be an option ever again.  And it won’t. You have my word. 

I started listening to Beyoncé’s Homecoming Live Album thru this whole crazy journey.  She is a QUEEN.  And her message to women projects her strength.  One of her favorite lyrics for me is, “IMMA KEEP RUNNING.  Cuz a winner don’t quit on herself.”

And because I’m Mike’s kid.  I KNOW I’m a winner.  Not better or worse than anyone. As my recovery bro Alex says, “We’re all just Bozos on the bus, and God is the driver.” AMEN! 

So I’m gonna relax and enjoy the view on this ride.  It was perfect but now includes a shotgun companion who frankly has NOT RIGHT to look as good as he does in his work uniform.  He applies his exquisite mind to his job every day with humor and verve.  And the fact that he makes me laugh so much, is PROOF of Mike’s goodness to me.  As I said in a previous post, all I had to do was give up some tacos.  

And now, life is TRULY PERFECT. 

I won’t waste ONE SECOND giving power to people who don’t come from a position of ❤️. 

Don’t waste the gift you’ve been given either.  It can all so easily vanish.  

I’ll leave you now in gratitude.  I’ve gotta a beautiful life to live today. 

I’m gonna get to it! Be well my tribe.  I’ll see you on the path.  Love

Kathy 

The Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams Starts RIGHT NOW!

 All I had to do was give up tacos.  That's it.  And it was impossible for SO LONG.  But because I'm an addict, and therefore have an allergy of the body that says I am addicted to certain types of foods, and an obsessive mind that will ALWAYS tell me, "This time there won't be a bullet in the chamber, so go ahead."  I also know that being an addict is like dancing with a gorilla, you may start the dancing leading, but eventually the gorilla will take the lead.  And when that happens, you're going on a trip, whether you want to or not.  

So I surrendered to Mike and gave over the Tacos on 12/23/22.  And because I did that, he has facilitated the following: 

1) ENTIRE ABSTINENCE ODAAT by HIS grace, since 12/23/22

2) A path to financial solvency in the NEAR future

3) Being able to take the absolute CAR OF MY DREAMS off the lot for. not one cent out of pocket on 4/2/23

4) A pathway to a career that will allow me to be financially prosperous AND be of service at the same time that can begin ANY TIME.  

5) Being able to create the warm, gracious and welcoming home OF MY DREAMS from the chaotic home of my childhood that reflects MY STYLE

6) A life truly beyond my wildest dreams, and I'm just on Step 4. 

If this is how good Mike thinks I deserve it, I guess I just have no other choice but to stay on this wild right that is my crazy amazing grateful life.  

I'm so glad I gave up the tacos. 

Finishing What You Start

 Active addiction doesn't exactly bring out the best in people.  A common refrain I've heard amongst 12 Steppers, "As an addict I can violate my own standards faster than I can lower them."  I've also heard that dabbling in your drug of choice is like dancing with a gorilla.  Eventually the gorilla will take over and you'll have no say in the matter.  That can be a scary prospect.  

One of the chief ways my addict behavior would show is that I became a blue ribbon quitter.  I took apathy and stretched it until it fit into the textbook definition of sloth.  Just like commercial weight loss programs, I would frequently just bail when things got too difficult or required what I determined to be an unrealistic amount of effort. And trust me when I say, what constituted an unrealistic amount of effort was a low bar.  It wasn't pretty.  

I've often heard the saying, "Don't quit before the miracle happens".  Depending on my spiritual fitness when hearing that encouraging affirmation, I'd either hope or want to wring their neck.  However, as I slide into 90 days of abstinence 3/23/23, I believe that slogan with every cell of my body.  Because I was absolutely 250% HOPELESS 12/19/22.  I was on the tail end of a relapse that made my world incredibly small and petty.  I was bingeing on an average of $74/day of Taco Bell that I couldn't even get into the car to go pick up.  I had to have it delivered to my home so that I could eat it in my bedroom, in the dark, alone. The breadth of my life could have fit on the head of a pin. 

But by the grace of a Higher Power I occasionally feel like I don't deserve, the moment came when  I was finally ready to concede defeat.  The literal moment I did that, the obsession was lifted from me body and soul.  The neutrality I felt around former binge foods was surreal to say the least.  That experience convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt to dive head first into building a relationship with an entity that I could neither see, nor feel.  Because I was in hell.  The only reason I didn't take my life was because I was a coward.  And that's not attention seeking bravado.  That's the Mike's honest truth.  And in that moment of surrender, I was free.  

And what does a free woman do you might ask.  Well, one of the first things she does is begin to become acutely aware of old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve her. And so I became very aware that I had an overwhelming tendency to not finish the things I started.  It was just another arrow in Guido's quiver that he could use to render me useless with self-loathing.  And the longer I was stuck in the quicksand of relapse, the more useless I became.  Because if you don't value yourself, integrity is an easy thing to sacrifice.  And so I could just hate myself more because I was a quitter.  It just made Guido's access to my heart and soul more immediate.  And he did a lot of damage, let me tell you. 

As I now have my 87th consecutive day of entire abstinence, I am even more amazed at Mike's power than I was on day 5.  I am exceedingly grateful for days that are very emotionally tumultuous but do  not have the added shame of a binge heaped on top of them. Because GURL! Let me tell you I have had some days where I feel like my fair Irish skin is being loofahed by a very angry porcupine.  And I can smile because I realize even that's a Miracle!  Because in order from to feel like I've been exfoliated by a rodent with an anger management issue, I have to NOT be killing myself with food.  Cuz if Guido and his mariachi band of Taco wielding murderers could have their way, I would have been dead long ago.  So feeling physical/emotional/spiritual even feels like an accomplishment.  Because it is.  But let me be clear, it's Mike's accomplishment way more than it is mine.  I can barely keep a houseplant alive, let alone a suffering addict.  I had been playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun for way too long.  As this disease is progressive in nature, always getting worse never better, I knew I was playing on borrowed time.  I'd eventually shoot myself. 

But I was finally able to admit to Mike that w/out Him I am completely, utterly, irrevocably screwed.  And Mike believed me 100% because it was the truth.  And once he saw defeat in my eyes, that was all he needed to sweep in and pick up the heaviest burden I have ever carried in my life.  He makes it look effortless.  And I will do whatever it takes to keep the freedom that Mike so graciously gives me one day at a time.  Part of what I do to stay in the middle of the herd is to do service at the meeting level.  I am a zoom host for a meeting that can be personally challenging to me at times.  And there are times when I'd rather be doing anything other than having to show up and do the service position I had committed to. Yeah, I'm mature like that.  

But I have finally learned my lesson.  I can't think my way into right acting.  And truthfully, no one should believe anything that comes out of my mouth if I am in relapse.  To say that I have minimal to non-existent street credibility is 100% the truth.  My integrity is solely based on my ability to keep a commitment I make to another human being. 

Because the self-talk I employ when I am about to break my word should be registered as a Crime against Humanity by the UNHCR.  It is Guido at his lethal best.  The accuracy with which he succeeds is incredible. If I continue to behave in a way that whittles away at my self respect, Guido and his henchman have already won.  And the only price he claims is the satisfaction of knowing that his intended targets were as likely to cave as to fight.  Those are the odd and they're always in his favor.  

So that's why I am so intent on being a woman who walks her talk.  Because self-respect is Guido's kryptonite.  It's the one thing that lets him know that his presence is no longer welcome and if he could just kindly fuck off that would be lovely.  And because I know the pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization that is Guido's esprit de corps, I will do whatever it takes to shut that chump down.  The down side is that his favorite pastime is ding pushups with brass knuckles in a torrential downpour.  He's honing and crafting his skills so that when I give him that split second moment of dropping my guard, he will be able to capitalize on it. He has an excellent track record. 

But I have the one thing he doesn't, Mike.  Mike loves me, cares about me and for me  He laughs with me and occasionally at me.  He is compassionate, understanding, forgiving and patient.  Hell, he waited 20 years for me to finally give up the fight.  He's the ultimate corner man in this fight for my life.  He's always there to hold up my flagging spirits, to make sure I'm taking care of His precious daughter and showing me that His love is already received.  It's not dependent on any effort on my part.  It is just because I am.  And knowing that there is someone out there who believes in me like that makes anything possible.  for 87 days I have had no sugar, no flour and no delivered food.  A miracle anyway you slice it.  And so to keep this precious gift I will finish every job I start.  From teeth brushing, to promises to friends, to meeting service positions, I will do what I have told others I would do. Quietly.  Humbly.  And with a heart of service.  

Because that's how I can take down Guido.  By finishing what I start.