F$&K the Disease of Addiction

Someone I love very much lost a family member to the disease of alcoholism. Far too early. I am heartbroken for them, and myself. It’s brought up a lot of grief about my mother. My mom lost her life due to her addictions. And I thought I had gotten over that through my own work in my recovery. But this has brought it all up for me. That addiction robbed me of the mother I deserved. A mom who could put the needs of others before her own. Who was scared and angry and bitter. Who was jealous of the relationship I got to have with my dad because her’s died when she was 7 years old. Who never told me I was pretty. Who made me feel ashamed of my own sexual awakening that was totally benign and age appropriate. Who made me feel ashamed of my weight and size. I could go on and on.

They say that recovery is giving up the hope of a better past. And the Big Book also says that Acceptance is the answer to ALL our problems. I guess I’ve got some more work to do. I’m glad I know what to do. And that I have the willingness to do it.

Thanks for reading.

A separate awakening

I have recently become awakened to the idea of what fascism is. It was beautifully and simply explained as being the oppression of the “other”. And so once so clearly defined, we can clearly say we are no different than the Nazi’s. Our oppression of brown immigrants is no different than Israel’s oppression of the Palestinian people’s, is no different than the Nazi’s oppression of the Jews. The world is awakening to the lie we try and tell that it’s not true. America is waking up. Trump’s criminalization of free speech bears witness to his fear. The famous quote says the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice. This is the shift. I pray for the liberation of ALL oppressed people.

The Phoenix and the Etch-A-Sketch

Cliches are just that for a reason. And so I am here today to say that I am the Phoenix. rising from the ashes once again. What can I say. Life sucker punched me but I have risen, even if it took me 2 years to do it. I said way back in 2023, that everything I’d gone through would only have been a failure if I didn’t learn from it. And I did. Because when I did what I said I wouldn’t do, I went off my meds. But something great happened! I recognized the symptoms, fixed the problem and got back on track with no external body damage. I’m STOKED! Cuz when I was so acutely ill two years ago the worst part was I could NOT be told that something was wrong. My illness led to an arrogance that temporarily cost me relationships. It sucked. Luckily, the relationships that were meant to stick did. But I learned an important lesson; I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from ANYONE.

This new situation has revealed two opportunities to exercise the same choice. And I am ready so much quicker to pull the trigger. When I’m done I’m done. No gaslighting will be tolerated. I’m taking my toys out of the sandbox. And I’m just so grateful to be willing to draw my boundaries with a Sharpie marker and not an Etch-A-Sketch.

And once again I’m reminded of the gift of being to even just be willing to seek the solution. Willingness always breads almost instant action, at least in my experience. That has been the miracle for me today. Now where I tend to drop the ball is the whole, the only permanence is repetition part. Cuz that ball got dropped. I’m not perfect. There’s always room for grace. In God’s economy there are no mistakes. And for that I’m REALLY freakin grateful.

Thanks for reading.