Well, now that we've covered the oh so festive topics of my lack of love life and shame, I figure it is time I got back on the horse chronologically speaking and tell you about my entering OA and what happened on my journey of obesity.
I think I had mentioned in a previous post, that coming into OA was rather mind blowing. Coming from a home where, "I would be happy when I'm thin.." was a frequently repeated mantra; seeing people joyfully living their lives with humor, grace and open hearts was revolutionary. I felt at home immediately and also knew that most likely, this was a place I would still be in 30-50-100 years. Because I'd entered OA with a friend, she and I went to 3-5 meetings a week consistently for the first 2 months of going to OA. We'd frequently consume coffee before or after a meeting and I can easily say that the GDP of the local Starbuck's may have actually hinged on our patronage. But it was so great to have someone to decompress with before or after the meeting. Being COMPLETELY new to Twelve Step, some things felt intuitive and others felt like I'd been transported to another planet.
One of the other interesting things that occurred was that for the first time in my life, I'd intentionally hid something from my mom. I was 25 when I started OA and I was living with my parents. In retrospect I have realized that the reason my mom and I were at each other's throats so much is because we are the same person, in good AND bad ways. It was like seeing yourself in a mirror and NOT liking what you saw. And my mom had a tendency to be privy to a confidence that I would have shared with her, and then she'd decide to use it as ammunition later. It's sort of like being shot with a gun after you supplied the bullets. NOT FUN. And there was something inside me that realized that even from the very beginning, OAwas sacred, and I was worried enough that she'd try to take it away that I didn't tell her or my dad about it. For a long time, they just thought I was going out to coffee with a new friend A LOT!!!!!
After being stuck living at my parent's house at the age of 25, being driven crazy by my mom, and being frustrated at working at the non-profit I was at, UNABLE to get full time employment, the straw on THIS camel's back finally broke. I started first of all, looking for a full time job that would provide enough money for me to do a "flight out of Egypt aka Fair Oaks". Like so many other obese people, I assumed my weight would be a serious detriment to employment and so I absolutely low balled myself, my intelligence and experience in my job search. It wasn't until a few years later that I learned about the concept of under earning and knew that I was a chronic under earner. But I ended up applying for a job at a large health insurance company in their customer service call center that was full time and close to my home. I was also in a position where I needed to buy a new car because I was at a weight where I'd literally outgrown my first car, a 1987 Chevy Nova. The seat wouldn't go back far enough to allow me to comfortably drive anymore. Trust me when I say that was NOT one of the happier realizations in my life at the time.
So I entered OA in February 2000, started my new job in April of that year, got a new car in May, and moved into my first apartment that July. To say that being in the Program was helping with my willingness to spread my wing would be an understatement. That being said, it turned out that the apartment that I ended up in was TWO stoplights away from my parents home, so I was taking the whole "independence" thing rather slowly. But living in my own apartment was a great experience and really helpful in my being able to regulate the foods that were in my living space.
As far as the actual eating of food and being in OA, that was literally the thing that was least focused on. No one in OA tells another member what to eat, when or how. It's not like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Everyone has different foods that they eat compulsively and one of the helpful exercises that was suggested to me was to write down RED, YELLOW and GREEN light foods. I think you're smart enough to figure out what that means. Suffice to say, I was definitely at the point where I was clear that Wheat Thins were the chemical equivalent of heroin. You don't get to be 400lbs without some qualified binge foods in your repertoire. I had my list, and with the help of my sponsor I was able to develop a plan of eating that I could adhere to one day at a time for quite a while. As I heard so many times, I had three meals a day with life in between. The weight came off about 10lbs a week for the first 9 months I was in OA.
As I began to start talking about the underlying factors that contributed to my being a compulsive overeater, I began to open up to my friends who had been so lovingly patient with me on the journey thus far. Several friends remarked to me how genuinely happier I seemed, and that they were glad that I was FINALLY willing to talk about the not so small elephant in the living room. I was able to eat without guilt and secrecy, like I'd done so often in the past. I honestly felt a freedom and happiness that I'd not felt before. Life got bigger and fuller as my body began to get smaller.
In my next post I'll talk about what life was like as I was getting smaller and some of the interesting and funny things that can happen when your body changes quicker than your mind.
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